hello there, sunday.

So today was a ridiculously bipolar day. Don't ask further questions. I don't want to relive even a second of it. On the bright side, though, I went school shopping!!!11!!1!11 School shopping gets me all hyped up 'cause I'm a dork like that. 

  

I just had to buy these lovely binders. It's ironic, though. I don't drink coffee, but I'm drawn to these cozy designs. I like coffee-flavored treats & that lovely coffee shop aroma clears my head. Oh, and coffee mugs. I like coffee mugs, too. 

hi there

looks weird but....yeah

'cause i had a bad day

Keep Your Head Up by Ben Howard

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Keep your mind set, keep your hair long

• Trying to uplift myself from the dreary rut I'm stuck in at the moment.
• I fell asleep at roughly 3 am and woke up at about 2 pm. That didn't feel good. 
• I had a donut and some Piknik for lunch. I didn't feel good afterwards. 
• I've been having very vivid dreams for 4 consecutive days. They're bittersweet. I don't know how to feel. 
• I am having a throbbing headache and I'm starting to feel lonely again. 
• I feel utterly talentless when I play the piano. It frustrates me too much, and most of the time, I don't really like what I'm playing, but if it goes with learning, fine, I'll bear with it. 
• Forever in love with inanimate objects. They don't love me back. I'm bitter. 
• Cheer up. Your name is Joy. Be happy. 
• Who are you kidding, Joy? WHO?
• I have a neglected journal. It's calling my name. 
• I miss my friends. 
• I miss people. 
• I miss my friends. 
• I miss laughing so hard it hurts. 
• I miss my friends. 
• Ew, school next month
• But I miss my friends
• Summer, don't end yet. 
• Life, be kind.
• Universe, behave.
• I love you, chair. 
• I love you, bed.
• I love you, pillow. 
• I love you all. 
• Love me back xoxo
• Huhuhu 
• Here is sheer proof that I have no life.
• Lend me sweet dreams? No? Alrighty, then. G'night.
• Jk. I'll probably stare at the ceiling until 2 am. 
• Bye.

sloppy sketches {sigh, i tried}

This looks like a caricature. Wtf. Her arm looks deformed but be that as it may. I'm too discouraged to make amendments to that as of the moment. 

Sigh. I just feel very frustrated. I think I screwed up my canvas painting, and I'm having daily sessions for 2 weeks which means, I'll probably be reminded of my failure every single day until I get to bring it home and hide it. 

your skin is see-through

rattle your bones lose

break all visceral connections

don't let them see what makes you

you are just a mere savage

with no bullets to spare

you've got bombs against you

in this cold twisted warfare

but the world is in its awakening

blood courses through your veins

you're still alive

you're breathing

you're alive

so run

run for your life

save your soul 

before they take it

before you morph 

into something more grotesque

than what we've all become

look at us 

look at the monsters we've become

look at the embers fading in our eyes

look at our broken bones

look at our broken homes

look into my eyes

be afraid 

be hypnotized

look at me

when  i scream your name

when i shake you awake

when i tell you

save your soul

for you are a lovely creature

and this lonely world

{how lonely it is, indeed}

is nothing

but grateful to have you

{merely breathing and alive

in all your loveliness

in all of your flaws

in all of your perfection}

in it

{12:16 am on a monday}

• I've been out the whole day with my little family of three. Sunday mornings will always and traditionally be about waking up at 6 am, going to church and breakfast. From there, it either gets better, or plummets downhill. 
• Why is it May? And why is it June next month? Wasn't it just April days ago? Why is life passing me by? 
• Last few weeks of art workshop. Painting on canvas tomorrow. I should be excited but I'm not. I've figured it out. I want to do art at my own free will. I want to do it according to my own way of doing it. I don't want a uniformed or universal structure to follow.  I feel quite trapped following the proper drawing proportions of the human body, or having a schedule to religiously attend to, but I am more than happy to be learning. I'm happy to have all these illustrations to follow and look up to as I cannot rely on my own imagination to come up with the right things at the right time.  I'm happy to see my own hands filling up the pages of a sketch book that used to be blank, but I'm afraid that's what makes up most of it. Maybe that's what I signed up for. Maybe all I wanted was to bring a used-up sketch book and a painted canvas home at the end of the summer in order to feel accomplished and useful. Or maybe I still feel quite alone in the midst of all those people and kids who talk too much. Maybe I still feel awkward when someone looks over my shoulder to watch. Maybe I still dread the stiff necks I get from hunching over for too long. But I am happy, somehow, to some extent. 
• I'm sorry. I just poured myself out. Did that make sense?
• I don't know why but you are lovely. 
• I hope I dream the sweet dreams tonight, but just in case, could you dream the sweetest ones you could dream for me? 
• I miss a lot of things that most  probably wouldn't miss. 
• I'm not feeling so well. I should just sleep this off.
• Why do I slack off so much?
• Ugh, it's Monday. 

{in slumber}

Sleep knows me well

too well 

 it has roamed  the  dustiest corners

of my nervous system 

(and that's saying a lot, if i myself must say so)

it knows what i long for

what i longed for

it knows that my longing 

will be the death of me

it knows that it can kill me

in itself

but it has done something much worse

it has left me 

dying 

 in the most subtle way

this is the reason 

why i had no words left

when i woke up one day

at noon

conflicted

when i stayed under the covers

crumpled

when i never left my bed 

until the clock screamed

it was 5 pm. 

home alone {at 8 pm on a lovely sunday}

My little Mushu and I are home alone after a long day. 

No, scratch that.

 Actually, I had a long day. Mushu mostly just lazed around and dozed. 

 haha omg i look like a creeper lurking behind him lol

Because I'm bored and hyper and all alone. 

I've also got my own super moon right here! look! 

(lol but really I'm just quite scared to go up to the roof deck all alone woops)

for chryssie

Happy 15th. Stay lovely. I love you. 

{at 2 am}

You must have said goodbye last week when you hung up

I must not have heard when I lingered

You are a few miles away and you're breathing

But you are merely a soul in my sorrow

Life must have carried on for you when you bade farewell

It must have stopped for me when I started waiting

I didn't know what I was waiting for and I was lonely

I thought the phone would ring again

You must have fled from home where reality is cruel

I must have stayed and stared at the ceiling in the dark

Sometimes, I cried in front of the bathroom mirror

I could not sleep

You must have ventured and met the greatest of the generation

I must have stayed under the covers all morning with the creeps under my bed

I turned to the door to leave, car keys in hand

But then I stopped. I didn't know how to drive

You must have missed them

I must have missed you

But I said I missed everybody to make you feel un-special

I guess it didn't work

You must have gone ahead and changed and forgotten

I must have forgotten too because I was left wondering

If you had said goodbye when you hung up last week

If I had not heard when I lingered

I was pretty sure you did not, for all I heard was silence

Silence means consent

You must have thought it meant farewell

Playlist done on impulse, 11 tracks worth

Youth's only over if you let it fade from worrywart on 8tracks.

{my blog keeps me company}

no one here asks if i'm okay

or if  i'm happy

or if i'm hungry

no one here asks how i am 

or if i'm holding up

or if i want some company

no one here  greets me good morning

or asks me what i've been up to

or  gives me a hug when i'm down

which is why I have a blog

but i'm sorry

if sometimes

 it does not suffice

i need real people too

{it's quiet company}

"It's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders."

{sleep cures perfection}

I was angry
so I spread myself on the cold tiled floor 
 bled with colors and words instead of tears 
this is what became of me. 

{breathe & bleed}

Youth by Daughter

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.

Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.

From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

Setting fire to our insides for fun

Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless, 

We are the wild youth

Chasing visions of our futures

One day we'll reveal the truth

That one will die before he gets there.

[

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.

We're setting fire to our insides for fun.

Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home, 

It was a flood that wrecked this... 

... and you caused it... 

... and you caused it... 

... and you caused it... 

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette, 

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget, 

My eyes ae damp from the words you left, 

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one, 

'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.

Setting fire to our insides for fun, 

To distract our hearts from ever missing them.

But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it, 

And you caused it, 

And you caused it

_____________________________________________________________________

 Life is uneventful, as always. I'm not bored, but I'm restless. These feelings of misanthropy are getting stronger by the minute. I'm getting worse everyday. I feel non-existent. I feel like a ghost. People are passing me by just as summer is passing me by. 

So I'll leave you to swim the depths of this lovely song, because honestly, I can't find anything lovely in my life right now. I figured I needed some enlightenment so I fed my soul music and music told me that I was lucky to be breathing & to be bleeding.

I saw specks in the sky
as I watched you breathing
in the eyes of my mind

and I took out my soul
because
my soul blends in with the sky
wrapped it delicate in my fingers
tried to paint over
the specks
up high

but
the sparrows, they fly
we all wish we can be
but I do fear
we'll never be as free

The specks edged closer

they grew their wings

as I watched you sleeping

across silent telephone lines

and hour-long traffic jams

but I kept my soul

looked far away

because

I knew

during the day

that

the sparrows

they fly

we all wish we can be

but I do fear

they'll never be 

as lonely

as me

I got tired

of watching you breathe

of watching you sleep

in the eyes of my mind

across silent telephone lines

and hour-long traffic jams

through broken reflections 

in shattered mirrors

I longed for you in my arms

so 

I turned to the specks

the specks

thrived into sparrows

but 

the sparrows

they fly away

like everyone

with whom

I spent my days

so

I turned to loneliness 

to keep me company

cause I knew

the sparrows

they 'll never be

as detached from you 

as me

Birds fly like, you know, I wish I could.

This is what my second week of summer was made up of: bird sketches. 

I patterned this one on the owl on the cover of the first Harry Potter book, and after this one, the streak of sketching birds started. I don't even know. I was amused. I don't even know. 

Followed these ones on some photos Google gave me. 

How's your day?

• I went to school for Cards' Out today. I was delighted to see my friends again as I miss them quite terribly. I felt this tug of sadness, though, seeing our teachers. I know next year will be almost entirely different. The familiar faces that we had known won't be around as often anymore. Some of them are leaving. It's quite sad. 
• In other news, a wave of relief washed over me as I saw my grades. I didn't exactly breeze through 4th quarter, you know. Much less in the final exams. Ack. I did decrease in a lot, though, but I was especially happy to see my Biology grade. I'll miss Biology. I know that probably makes me sound like a geek, but duh, I am one. Nyehehe.
• There were some, uhm, silent conflicts, though. Everything is completely fine, as always. 
• I was quite ready to go straight home, but then, I ended up in Frances' car with Marielle and Julienne on the way to Rob. 
• We walked around the Citywalk for a few minutes. Then, we had a fulfilling lunch at Mooon Cafe. I let Marielle pick out my food and she was basically nagging me to eat more.....like a mother. lol. 
• Headed off to Toys "R" Us where we fooled around with the action figures and masks and stuff. I helped Marielle pick out toys and she ended up buying Rowdy, the cute green dump truck and a Winnie the Pooh Techdeck. Lol. 
• Went off to buy tickets to watch the Hunger Games....again. Marielle's search for a text mate through the raffle coupon box. Killed time in Taters. 
• Hunger Games again! I actually liked the movie. In fact, the first time I watched it, my eyes got a bit watery the first few minutes into the movie. I probably felt overwhelmed because even though, I felt like I had lost interest in it, I hadn't realized that I was actually unconsciously waiting for the movie to come out, but then, the second time, I started to realize how fast the games seemed in the movie. Rue :( 
• Marielle kept talking to me during the movie, but I didn't mind at all :) 
• 31 Korea! We missed you, Kim Chi! 
• I think we were all broke at this point, so we resorted to strolling around, going wherever our feet would take us. 
• Marielle invited me to dinner. I am a socially awkward penguin. I know you probably won't see this, but thanks, Mar! :)
• I had a lovely time. Thank to these lovely people! >:D< 
• I am home and my legs feel like falling off, but the day was worthwhile so I don't mind at all. 

Let's pretend you asked how my Sunday went. 

Well, Sunday morning was horrible. Except breakfast. Food lightens everything up. 

Sunday afternoon was spent cruising around, visiting my newborn cousin and going places. 

Meet JJ. 

 I hope you don't get caught up in the tangled web of life this early. 

I hope you don't hear your parents shouting as they fight, not even the hushed arguments. 

I hope you enjoy your childhood years no matter how messed up the present times are. 

I hope you get to know family in its truest and most genuine definition. 

I hope you receive the warmest of hugs and the sweetest of kisses. 

I hope you grow up to be strong and lovely. 

Welcome to the world. 

Happy Birthday! 

☺

 I think I'm going to stock up on art supplies this summer. 

 And, I've got 2 seasons of PLL to watch. Life is good. 

Sunday evening was spent on loneliness, laughs, curses and watercolor.

And I couldn't sleep at all, even at 1 am. Even when my dad started shouting and cursing and threatening me because I was still on the phone. Even when I switched off all the lights. Even when I had collapsed helplessly on my bed. Even when I hugged my pillow and forced my eyes shut. 

And I felt this sense of loneliness run deep within me and I couldn't trace its roots, where it came from. I tossed and turned and cried until I found myself sitting up, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth, and whispering my troubles to the darkness who listened silently, patiently and without judgment. My sanity was in question, but I lost myself to slumber, finally. 

Striped and Fortified

Here's how the last half-day of school and the first half-day of the summer went for me: 

• Filipino and Math exam. I'd choose not to talk about it but............to put it into extremes, I think I kind of failed my Math exam, in my standards. 20 points. 20 freaking points for graphing. 
• On the bright side, IT'S SUMMER. No more academic stress. Although, I still don't know what to feel. My Social Studies teacher, one of the few I actually like, is leaving. Darn it. Not to mention the fact that.........................Yes, let us not mention that fact. 
• I will miss you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you. Especially you. Yes, you too.  I will miss the townspeople, and the unnecessary drama and the meet-ups that were, more often than not, up to no good. I will miss the fooling around,  the inside jokes, the cramming, the phone calls, and the little spats. I will miss a lot of things. I'll even miss Biology. 
• Enough of that ^ 
• A bit of drama, a lot of laughs and eager smiles, subtle goodbyes and a fair amount of hugs before leaving school for the summer.
• Meet my lovely and striped FORTIfriends :) Words cannot express how grateful I am that, until now, we're still this tight and I know a meager "Thank you" cannot sum everything up.           

• Lunch at Pizza Hut + Friday +Abstinence = No pizza for me. Aw :( Pasta, it is, then. 
• Corazon. One word: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• ^Does that count as one word, though? 
• Loads of fun and noise at Picture City. The old people were shooting daggers at us. Haha.

• A worthwhile conversation with Chryss over dinner at Mcdo and tagging along at SM with my mother who apparently, had the itch to go shopping. 
• Sleepover with Chryssie. Stomachache & hyperventilation induced by laughing too hard at our group photos; chasing the ever so hyper Mushu ; camwhoring ; failed attempts at a proper vlog; drifting off to sleep while watching films; word games where we subtly cheated each other; scaring ourselves at the possibility that someone or something might knock on the window or on the bathroom door; laughing till we both fell into slumber. 

They're both so cute :3 

• We miserably failed at staying up late, despite the chocolate bars and candy we were wolfing down, that were supposed to rattle us awake. 
• And.....here's the vlog. I look like a drunk zombie. I doubt anybody can stand watching this. Too much unnecessary laughing.