Know what?

I think Twitter is one of the best places to rant.

 It's the only place where people actually pay attention to what you're saying.
Or tweeting, for that matter. 

Hi.

I think I'm losing my grip.

Ok. Bye. 

The only thing I'm praying for every single night is for me to understand everything I'm feeling because one minute, I've figured it all out. The next, nothing makes sense. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

I've been laughing a lot lately. Laughing without reason. It wipes off all the clutter in my mind but it manages to fly right back. Cliche as it may seem, laughter really is the best medicine, but I need a stronger dosage to cure me. 

If these alterations become permanent and that was the last...... I don't know. As usual, I guess I'll just force myself to live with that. If it makes everyone happy, it'll be alright. I'd rather suffer alone than affect the people around me. It's better than knowing someone having closeted anger at you after all this time of thinking everything's fine.

I cannot get over this. I cannot. I simply cannot.

I have to live with things. I have to listen to things. I have to see things happen. I have to live with everything I don't want to live with.

I want to talk to someone. 

I want to hug someone.

Ok.

Hahahaha i love you. 

Every morning, I wake up.

A whole day has passed.

Another one in front of me. 

I have this tug in my chest

Like a deep sadness

Some mysterious yearning 

I don't know why I'm sad

I don't know what I'm yearning for. 

It's feels like nostalgia

It's been clinging to my mornings for a year or two.

Some speak of nostalgia like it's bliss

They say the mere word with all the grandeur they can muster

But it's not

It's a lonely feeling

I will let go of my grudges

My hard feelings

I'm trying. 

When will I finally go back to my old self?

When will I finally feel happy?

When will I learn that my existence actually means something?

When will I learn to overcome my emotional conflicts?

When will I stop worrying?

When will I pick up a book again and start to lost myself in the pages?

When will I have time to spare?

When will I pick up a pen and write on actual paper?

When will my words flow out?

When will I stop apologizing?

When will I stop masking my pain?

When will everything be okay? 

You should know by now that my greatest fear in life is losing the people that matter the most. 

One must never think in extremes 

That's what those wise men say

So I must be a fool

Or just purely insane

To say
You must never meet these things halfway

I hate you.
I tried.
I couldn't.

It's a war out there

And if I don't survive

If, by chance, I don't get out alive,

Send out the letters I left unsent

All the words I've poured

Hidden in the dark, quiet corners,

Of my lone sanctuary

A pile of blotted pages

Where I trapped my tears

The jagged pieces

Little parts of you I kept

It's a war out there

And if I don't survive

If, by chance, I don't get out alive

Keep your tears in a bottle

Don't let it break

Remember, I'll only be in slumber

It'll be a dark dream

Listen to the wind

I'll sing you to sleep

Close your eyes

Someday

I promise

You'll wake up to you and I

It's a war out there
And if I don't survive

If, by chance, I don't get out alive

Please know 

I never planned my departure

I never planned to leave

Not by sea, nor by train

Not by land, nor by plane

No, not through a bullet

Or a shot in the heart

But it's a war out there

Everything's fair

Unreasonable

I don't think I'll be posting for a short while. My reasons are unclear to me but it just doesn't feel as liberating as it was before, blogging here. It doesn't free me or soothe me. I've lost interest. I've lost heart. Especially now, that I feel alone, it's not much of a help.

 I can't say exactly what I want to say 'cause I unconsciously give myself restrictions and blockages. It's frustrating. I fear that I might hurt someone indirectly without even meaning to. I can't find anything here anymore. It's unreasonable, I know, but I think I won't be posting personal matters as often as I did. That is, if I can help. If I can help it. 

And anyways, I need to take a break from the personal matters of my currently crappy life. 

I am so tired.

So don't make me feel worthless cause I'm not. If I truly was,  I wouldn't be doing all these stupid things. I wouldn't be finishing all these useless tasks. Damn it, I wouldn't care about school. Let's see if you'll still be cursing me for the same freaking reasons. Don't take away the self-worth I have left. Don't even.


After I've worked my ass off, this is what the universe has in store for me. FML.

I am tired and I want to cry and I'm worried and I'm scared and I'm sad and I'm confused and I want to hate you but I can't and and and andnad nad adnadnandna dna GAAAAAAH.

..............

• Mushu has anemia. 
• He's been staying at the vet for 3 days.
• I have exams. 
• I don't like exams. 
• I am deprived of sleep.

♥

"It's always better when we're together."

Generalization: 

I therefore conclude that listening to Jack Johnson's songs when you've breezed through a good or even just an okay day makes you feel even better. 

...

I've been emotionally tired and weary last year but physically, no. My body is always up for all those challenges, the staying up until 2 am, the lack of proper meals. Now, I feel my back aching. I can barely sleep well. Honestly, I'm emotionally burned out, too. Burned out. I get so discouraged. I don't think I'm going to survive. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to just barrel through life. I don't think I'll be able to play it right. In times like these, no amount of "it's okay" encouragements, pats on the back, warm smiles can be even just a bit of help to me. In times like these, I just succumb to tears. I just cry. Let it all pour out. It brings the slightest hint of comfort that tonight, you can still cry, you can still sob, you can empty your heavy chest. Tonight. All for tonight. Tomorrow? Who knows? Tomorrow, I'll just be feeling numb, indifferent, apathetic.

I'm tired. 

Chocolate fudge

• I haven't studied yet. 
• I'm hungry
• I'm tired
• I'm sleepy
• I just finished making the poster for Filipino class
• My hands are streaked with pastel
• My nails, too.
• I have to find an Asian song in SS.
• Cause I haven't received any news from my group mates
• I don't know where to find these materials in Bio
• My lab group
• Lord, help.
• I haven't studied.
• I'm hungry. 
• I have to wake up at 6 for Mass.
• You will be the death of me.
• This will be the death of me.
• Bullets. Boom.
•  I'm dead. 
• My life's great, isn't it?
• LOLJK.
• I'm at my worst at the moment. 
• Bye. 
• But I did enjoy the afternoon.
• It's Janina's birthday tomorrow
• my nonexistent readers, go greet her!!!!!!!!!
• Love you, Jan. 

Eargasms, anyone?

Aston - Viva La Vida

Aren't they just lovely and grand and aaaah ajdsghajdklsghadg

He is We - Our July in The Rain

Personally, I prefer the stripped acoustic version. The acoustic version brings out the emotion in Rachel's voice and the tragic beauty of the song. It doesn't mask anything, but since I can't find any decent video on YouTube with the acoustic one.......we'll settle for this. In behalf of the crappy sound quality, I apologize. 

This shorter version is nice too. It's the same song. 

I love this song. It's so sad. I like sad songs. 

Lost

• I had an awful day. Those days when every single thing just goes wrong. It's been going on since last night. I've had all these thoughts cluttering my mind, distracting me, pulling me into this void. I can't exactly put it into words. All I know is I want to sob deep heaving sobs until I fall asleep and feel numb the next morning when I open my eyes. 
• I accidentally fell asleep with my uniform on. Gross, I know. And ugh, backaches and all. Terrible. 
• I want to help people. I want to be good to the people around me but sometimes, I don't know where to turn when they all call my name 5 minutes before we pass those Math seat works. I flail around, trying to cope. Sometimes, I end up feeling sweaty, tired and crappy. Sometimes, I just feel stressed out. 
• Really, though, other than those things, I don't mind all the questions being asked, but really, shit happens. 
• And dear Math teacher, why are you telling me that? It's not like it's my fault. It's not like I know exactly where my paper is. It's not like I can teach every single person that does not understand your lesson well. Why don't you teach them? Clearly, this time so that they'll grasp all these quadratic equations. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I miscalculate Math equations and sometimes, I can't even cope with myself, my dysfunctional self.
• ^I'm not usually that mean but I just felt shitty and that made me feel shittier, like I actually did something wrong. My conscience is too bothersome for my own life. It's been bothering me since last night. Don't add, please. 
• We were given the freedom to pick our own seats in Computer class and I must be crazy and deranged, but I didn't sit with my friends. I have reasons I must keep myself. I'm not mad at anyone. Not anymore. I cleaned up all that hate. Don't get the wrong idea. I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong word, after all. It's just......everybody has those instances in life..... 
• And I figured that I'd want to work alone. I probably wouldn't be able to concentrate with my friends. I'm sorry.
• And sometimes, I'm better off alone. I usually feel out of place and isolated among groups of people, anyway. It's been like that lately. 
• Alone is a lonely word.
• Recess cheered me up. Neverland, but then.....hmm
• Bio had me cramming for my life again. 
• English, too.
• Believe me, I was a mess. I was a wreck. I was broken. I was crappy. I was shitty. I was all of those during English time. I couldn't cope with myself and all the questions floating around me. 
• Lunch. Oh heck, lunch. I got a bit teary eyed. I don't know. At that point, I was ready to scream at everyone and break down.
• Is this PMS? 
• No?
• You don't know? 
• I don't either.
• CLE and Club Time was fine.
• And dismissal was quite okay too.
• My mother fetched me late and didn't let me attend my piano lessons. I was feeling quite dazed, dizzy and exhausted, anyway.
• I ranted a bit. 
• Mcdo fixed me up for the time being. So did my guitar.
• Francesca and Cleverbot. Awesome.
• Friday phone calls.
• The best one yet was from Janina. Gosh, that girl knows how to cheer me up
• "I may be lost, but you're copy pasting"
• Yes, I'm Lost. My name is Lost.
• And I know this has been a long post, but I've had a really bad day so let me be.

Y'all remember this song?

Of course you do.

Worries and warts

I worry a lot. I am a worry wart. I have invisible warts all over my face creased with worry. Worried worrywart is worriedly worried. Okay, that's all for my daily dose of worry, thank you.

First day blahs.

• I think I breezed through this day. It went by too fast. Not saying that it was too easy to get through. It wasn't, but I think part of my brain is still floating out there in outer space where people sleep late and wake up late and eat whenever they want. Yes, I think that's it.
• Heh. Didn't bother me. 
• I'm lying. It kind of did. 
• Oh well.
• I was almost tempted to remove my blog URL from my Twitter account but I told myself that I made this blog to open up. I've been so used to keeping things to myself that I've found it hard to talk about certain things. Maybe I'm quite afraid that they won't listen. Probably why I'm always on the listening end.  Anyways, I just thought that maybe I'd like to tear myself and my thoughts away from judgmental minds. I didn't allow myself, though.
• Since then, it's always been interesting for me to listen. Heh, I love to listen to people. 
• And.....
• ....I'll always be here to listen :)
• Except when there's tons and tons of homework. Let's finish that first. 
• I'm currently on the search for new songs. Gah, I'm desperate. 
• Sure, all these songs in the YouTube video recommendations are great. I'm open for suggestions but right now, I just want to find something that'll capture me at first listen. 
• Found this: 

Emily and The Woods - Steal His Heart 

"Now I have lived I might as well die."

Nah, just kidding. 

I don't wanna die just yet. 

Those are just pretty songs lyrics. 

Oh shoot.

The reality that there's school tomorrow hasn't implanted itself into my mind until...well, now. Everybody's ranting about it in Twitter and in all honesty, paranoia is hitting me. I'm quite scared of what's waiting for me once I enter that classroom. New English teacher. Biology class which, may I just state, always leaves me exhausted and fazed. It's always fast-paced and.....dear God, help me. Everybody's ranting about the first period face. Doesn't bother me. I'm used to it. Not worth ranting about if you're not a plastic surgeon, or if you can't talk him into changing his features. At least, that's how I see it, but to each her own. It does bother me, though, that we have Math for first period. It's better than Biology, though.

Sigh. I left 3rd quarter a mess. I hope I don't go back just to be a bigger one. Gaaaah. Nerves. 

Help meeeee.

I'll go study for Social Studies.

 Darn, studying two chapters of Biology wore me out.

I have to wake up at 6 am tomorrow.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 

Subtle changes

I want changes to happen this 2012. So far, I've been feeling like such a mess this 2011. I've absorbed too much negativity.

I'll start by apologizing. I don't really know whom I've hurt purposely or deliberately, but I'm sorry if I did. If you were hurt by the words I said, the words I typed in online, I'm sorry. It's rare that I actually let myself loose with things that'll hurt a person, and if I do, I usually regret it afterwards. Otherwise, I'm not aware of those actions at all. And online is the only place I can rant with sweet freedom. The only place I can pour myself out, the only thing that's willing to accept all the negativity I want to let out. Even if it's nonliving and inanimate, sometimes, it's enough. It's not like I can just pull someone out from nowhere and just cry, sob, scream, talk, talk and talk about myself and my life and all the stupid shit I've been feeling. And school has always been an obstruction. It deprives me of time to write with actual pen and paper. I know I'm getting completely off the topic, but yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for irresponsible actions. I'm sorry for....everything I should be sorry for. Maybe this is terribly selfish and unfair of me, but I'm not about to reminisce and enumerate all my wrongdoings.  Like I've said, too much negativity.

I know most of you, people that should be reading this, probably won't even be aware of this apology, but at least, the universe did. The universe witnessed it all and I hope if ever my mistakes come rushing back to the minds of those particular people, I hope the universe gives them the permalink to the post.

Oh and to Chryssie and Janina, my two lovely friends, I'm sorry for ranting so much, being so darn pessimistic. I love you, guys and please, let us never ever drift apart. But if ever we do, in all seriousness and sincerity ( because I know it's possible. The universe has a twisted sense of humor and purpose, after all. ), I hope we all end up happy and I hope we can always row our boats back to....you know, before? I can't tell you this in person, or on the phone, so I decided to just face it and post it here. But enough of my gibberish, I love you. Thanks for sticking by me.

Next...uh, I don't really have any idea how to start the subtle changes. All I know is that I'm not about to cut off my liberation just to avoid hurting people. Be more careful, maybe? Open my mind a bit? I don't know. I'm already confusing myself. Too many thoughts and too much emotions to catch up with. Sighhh. GROW TALLERRRR.

And you know, Joy, I think it's better if you just wait for some things to.....come or surface or hit you in the face before you go on and take it with open arms. Just a piece of advice cause you know, it happened. Didn't turn out that well. Heh. This is just something to look back to. It's funny, really. 

I will let some things go, but I won't completely seal them off.

 I will. 

I will. 

I will. 

I will try. 

Cheers to 2011! Cheers to 2012! ♥

Things lightened up for me, fortunately. I had the chance to do some thinking today, and I decided that I wanted to reminisce 2011. Although, I don't want to go deep into details. Nostalgia is my biggest disease. Makes me want to sob, be all sentimental and sad. Morning nostalgia is the worst. But anyways....

2011? It was interesting. I can't help but embrace it. I discovered who my true friends were, and found new ones. I went through shit because shit happens. I went through self-doubt, false hopes, fear, pessimism, negativity, anger, loneliness, frustrations, tears, drama, but to make up for all of that, I also went through doses of genuine happiness, a bit of self-discovery, long and silly phone calls, lazy Friday nights, and all the little tidbits that matter. It was bitter. It was sweet. I can't exactly say that I'll miss it but I can't just close those chapters of my life so I'll give it a bittersweet goodbye :)

A big thanks to everyone who made my 2011. To all those who matter and to those who didn't but did at some point, to those who made memories, to those who got caught up in the drama, and even to those who spilled some permanent stains. Maybe you know who you are or maybe you don't but thank you, nonetheless.

_______________________________________________________________________

Officially January 1, 2012. I want to make it count. Not because it's supposedly the year the world will end. No, I don't believe in those things. The world will end when the world will end. I don't think you can predict that. New Year's Resolutions don't work for me but I always make one every year. I still haven't gotten to doing so, but I have this list in my mind of the things I should be doing this 2012.

"Look back but move forward" 

Yeah, I'll try. 

Cheers to 2011! Cheers to 2012!

Now...

 Get drunk on soda, Coca Cola, Pepsi, coffee, water....whatever you're drinking!