June 22, 2013. Today was so worth it. 

Last leadership training. I love you both too much for words. 

Meet Czes, errbody! Group 9 represent!! (because we weren't able to take a group picture aww)

Chinney!! 

Ching chong lunch date, Kimbap, Chilsung Cider and Pocari Sweat with the best friend

Look at how cute this little bunny is.....

.....meanwhile, sleepy eyes over Kimbap woozah

I get a little cranky after long naps

Rice balls, ramyun and jazz with the 'rents

Pretty lights 

Hi moms

I feel a little hungry for words whenever I enter a bookstore, thus my little book haul .

June 21,2013. Mcdo date with my two lovey doveys, Chryss and KC. That is all. Everything else is shit.

I mistook the breeze for a car in passing
your back is turned, shoulder blades
cutting through shoulder blades
cutting through shoulder blades until
yours are the only ones I see
The car never came
your back is turned, shoulder blades
cutting through shoulder blades
cutting through
me

I mistook the breeze for a sandstorm
the pavement for a desert
must this be how a
wasteland feels?
dust crawling in
dust crawling out
you seeping in
you seeping out
until I am no more than dust to dust to dust
until I am no more to you

June 19, 2013. I don't feel settled in.

June 18, 2013. First college application down. A lot more to go, but I feel like I can finally breathe again.  I had an hour of piano lessons from 7-8 pm and if it wasn't for the fact that my piano teacher was a tad bit too nice, I probably would have drained myself out again. There were lots to do, a pile of homework but I took a break at midnight just to make a blog post and ended up drowsing off on my English notebook at 2 am. I have no regrets except for the fact that I was almost late for school, but aren't I always? I'm already worrying, already worrying, already worrying.  Never good enough, never doing enough, never enough.

June 17, 2013. I don't know with you guys but my week didn't start out right, thus beginning my 3 am bedtime streak. I had guilt coursing through me for a quarter of the day. I forgot things. I felt preoccupied, for some reason. Applications were due tomorrow and I had no stamps, no deposit slip and no courses so I ended up throwing a fit in the bathroom at almost midnight, mentally screaming to God for help and praying that my parents don't barge in to see me in such an emotional mess. Welcome to my life. This is how I am on bad days.

June 16, 2013. Father's Day and the holiday felt like nothing special. I feel like life is stretching out everyone I know. I touched the piano keys for the first time after two months and it did not feel at all like dancing pirouettes with my fingers. A lot of things do not feel at all like I have always thought they would feel. My priorities were mangled and tangled, college courses floated around in my head and my mom's nagging pushed me to my breaking point. There was a band playing the 60's, 70's and 80's. I watched old people pass me by at dinner with their heads bobbing to the beat, some groove in their strides, snaps ready at their fingertips. I felt the urge to belt my heart out when they played OH WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP (BUILD ME UP!) BUTTERCUP BABY JUST TO LET ME DOWWWN.

So Father's Day. The holiday felt like nothing special but here: meet the father who curses like a sailor when he's angry, brews coffee that literally makes my heart skip a beat, brags about how good-looking he finds himself and meet the daughter who wishes he doesn't grow too old, who is sorry that she's not the type to give a lot of hugs and kisses, who hopes  he knows that she loves him.

June 15, 2013: In triple birthday celebrations, fine company and fake polaroids. 

Happy 60th! Don't grow too old.

....And Nate decides to show up at 11 pm 

Enjoy 15, love! Keep smiling :)

Happy happy happy

June 14, 2013. Lack of sleep, a heavy heart, college applications, disorganized Math notes, and last but oh, definitely not the least, false hopes, false hopes, false hopes. An overwhelming craving for company, too, at 11 pm in this rainy weather. I wanted to talk but I didn't know what to talk about. I felt too much again and I guess I was looking for someone patient enough to listen to me ramble on and on and on until I figure things out for myself, or maybe someone who was just as disgruntled and fazed as I was about the little things. I didn't want to be a bother.

June 13,  2013. I landed in the Fine Arts elective. Our teacher calls us weirdos.  I don't mind. We're all a little strange. I hope this is a sign that I should push through with taking Multimedia Arts for college but I'm never sure. How can you ever be in a world where everything is uncertain? People are fickle; feelings falter; everything is unsteady and constantly changing. Trust is hard to build around a place like that. Nonetheless, I woke up feeling dull but plot twist: things took a turn and I actually liked how my day went. Good day, dreary night. Everyone was struggling to grasp the fact that it had only been two and half days of being in school. My very first college application is stressing me out. All the applicants I know are much too confused  about the procedure and to think we're going through all this just for a testing permit. No guarantee that we'll get in at all. I hope our school cared a bit to orient us, but what's new? I'm learning to live with how things are. I went through a journalism screening and thank God I didn't have a difficult time coming up with a news article. I think I'm going to be okay but would you care to send out a little prayer for me? I'm undergoing a second screening but I'll have Chryss with me this time. That takes a little off my chest. I fell asleep at 2 am and yes, I did regret it when I woke up.

June 12, 2013. Today felt like an angry day and I see hues of red lashing out in my mind. My dream last night didn't feel right; waking up didn't feel right this morning. I wasn't in the mood for civilization today but I dragged myself out of bed to meet up with some of my tour friends and make plans for the weekend. I printed out some college applications for me and Chryss tonight just so it would seem a bit more real to me. Back to school again tomorrow. Summer has been playing games, giving us a day off just to throw us back into that dreary place the day after. I feel anxiety pool over me when I think about school. I don't like being confined inside those walls. There are still people who make me shiver on the inside but there are also those that give me a warm sense of security, and that alone makes waking up awfully early worth it. Still, my mind cannot fathom how obtaining "quality education" can leave me feeling passionless. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't like Journalism. There are too many rules. I've convinced myself to write every single day of  senior year, weekends included, so that I don't forget things, so that I don't get stuck in a rut, so that I'll feel time go through me day by day. I'll know my elective tomorrow. No matter how much I'd want to take Anatomy, I think it will just make me want to drink more coffee so dear Lord, there must be a good reason if I find myself in the Biology lab poring over the skeletal system this year. Let's hope not. Here is another long rambling paragraph. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

June 11, 2013. Traffic was terrible and I had to walk to get to school on time because apparently, travelling on foot is faster than driving through the school's detour route. I met some of my teachers and they were all very nice, but the  year's just begun and I might just be speaking too soon. I still feel like wriggling in my seat every time a new class begins. I still feel restless. It takes a while to settle in. I've been watching smiles as they're exchanged, laughter as they're released to be swallowed by the air; arms as they are intertwined, and that's all I'm doing: just watching and wondering why I'm not the one throwing around grins, guffaws and hugs this year. I listen to people talk and I wonder why I cut myself out and walk ahead, but there is no trace of bitterness as I write this. I think that makes up for it. It was a lucky day to get to skip two afternoon classes for a two-hour orientation but wow, all that talk about graduating, about electives, about college unwound my nerves and now everything feels loose.  There are bits and pieces of me cluttered on the inside. I have less than a week to pick out a college course and I have to look at Journalism in the eye this year even though I wasn't made for it at all. I went on a mini-adventure with Chryss this afternoon. We rode a jeepney downtown and had a little Mcdo date. It felt nice to walk those rugged streets with someone who looks after me so that I don't leave my things (a.k.a. my retainer case and my pen) around, which I almost did by the way. Another day passes and you seem even more surreal, and when I say surreal, I mean the overwhelming kind of surreal, and when I say overwhelming, I mean the drowning kind of overwhelming. I like little talks and no-class days. I know this has been a long, rambling paragraph but I 'm glad to see that you cared enough to read until this period right here.

June 10, 2013. Last first day of high school and I was almost late, following the trail of some familiar faces to  my new classroom and feeling like a lost puppy. I have to say, I didn't expect much and that's the best thing about today. No expectations and no false hopes to pull me under. I wasn't ready for senior year itself but I was ready to be overwhelmed, ready for the sinking feeling, ready for the constant tug of detachment I felt on most days, the previous year. I felt all of those during the first few hours. Those hallways were not where I wanted to be. It was too early for this. I only had three hours of sleep the night before.  I'm sorry for the fake smiles I threw your way. I was anything but happy, but things lightened up. I sat with the usual people during recess and it didn't feel at all like a new school year. Frances was right.

Classroom orientation ended and just like that, the last first day was over. I felt lightheaded and free for most of the afternoon. Frances, Anne Mary, Chryss, Princess and I headed over to the Korean mini mart for some lunch and afterwards, some gelato at the mall. There were spontaneous jeepney rides and loud laughter and conversations to remember. I had a good day. Everything was lovely.

G for graduating and for good riddance, too. 

So...

A sick and twisted sense of familiarity clung to me when I first stepped on the school grounds today. It almost felt like summer never happened at all, but our little stroll in the sun going there was lovely. I don't think I mind at all. Less than a week from now, everyone will be counting down the days. Ten more months, and we're out of here. I don't have the slightest idea where to the dump all my aching attachments to the people I have loved, the places I have lingered in. Ten more months, I'm determined to move out, but I think I'm going to do more damage than good. You're holding it together for me, but I can feel you crumbling. If I escape your clutches, what will be left for me to come home to after a year?

Today, I realized how sad this house is. Empty, as it constantly is. I find my own ghost lurking in the living room on lonely nights; I find splinters of my tired bones scattered on the couch; I find tear stains on the bathroom floor; I find lingering frequencies of troubled conversations; I find the curses, the yelling floating in the air. I find the pretenses faltering, but it's okay. It's okay to think that maybe home is a faraway place or a person I haven't quite known just yet.

It's okay. A lot of things can be okay if you let them be. It's okay to just sit there staring off into space, waiting, waiting, waiting, on some nights. It's okay to not want to talk today. It's okay to let the phone ring. It's okay to make a choice that hurts. It's okay to hide. It's okay to crumble. It's okay to feel strange. It's okay to to feel happy for yourself even when everything else is falling apart. It's okay to wear a fake smile if you're not up to it. It's okay to not worry. It's okay to think about something else. It's okay to stop listening when you're tired. It's okay to overhear. It's okay to feel nothing. It's okay.

Today was okay. I bumped into several lovely people  and I'm glad I did. I've been missing people lately and I know not every single one of them misses me back, but see, the universe isn't always cruel. It finds ways for me on some days.

So, I'm home from my trip and my best friend and I are having a sleepover. We're planning to make a proper vlog this time so if you wish, send in some questions and a few simple dares for us right here or comment and please tag it with #vlog :)

15 and out of sorts

15, I did not wrap you in my embrace.
15, I did not adorn you with flowers
15, I did not open the door for you 
15, I’m sorry

15, I am happy. 
15, I am sad.
15, I am lonely. 
15, I am mad.

15, I lost myself.
15, the empty spaces grew flowers.
15, I lost you.
15, my flowers withered.

15, my body feels like a clay figure.
15, I am one size too big
15, and one size too small.
15, and a missing curve
15, and a wrong angle
15, and a crooked line
15, and a crack
15, I am flaw.     

15, I long for affection. 
15, I long for love.
15, I long to love.
15, I long to be loved.
15, I don’t need a lover.
15, I need a friend. 

15, I watched people change.  
15, but the grass stayed the same.
15, why is that so?  
15, I wouldn’t know.

15, high school friends aren’t forever.
15, but I have no regrets.
15, my heart  aches.
15, I’m tired.
15, I want to belong  somewhere.
15, I want to fit in.
15, on second thought, fuck it. 
15, I want to be different.                                                       

15, I hate Chemistry. 
15, I love poetry.       

15, and I get to kiss you baby just because I can. 
15, I have never been kissed.
15, but I love my best friend 
15, we sing along to this.    

15, I hate you 
15, go away
15, I love you 
15, won’t you stay?

15, you stopped calling.  
15, bring me back
15, bring me back. 
15, bring me back.

Letters to Alice

Dear Alice, your skin smells like the crisp aging pages of an old book,  like the years lost under my bed. Your hair flows, a lighter shade. You are still as lovely as you were.

Dear Alice, your rabbit hole has grown too small, I’m afraid; too small for your limbs to crawl out.  Daisies and marigolds grace the edges like how weeds visit graves, singing you elegies and lullabies with each passing day.

Dear Alice, no one can save you now. Save yourself.

Dear Alice, the doors are all locked and the keys hidden.  “DRINK ME”, the potion said. Yes, drink me, Alice! and did you ever pause for a flicker of hope before your closed your delicate fingers around the cold glass, that you never were to return again?

Dear Alice, you are shrinking. There are eyes, eyes, eyes everywhere. You are too small. They are watching you, sizing you up. Leave, Alice. The door is unlocked now. Be polite. Close it on your way out.

Dear Alice, run. Run and never look back. Find the Queen of Hearts and play croquet and never look back. Dance with Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and be merry and never look back. Chase the Cheshire Cat and memorize its grin and never look back. Have some tea, Alice, and take my advice: never look back.

Dear Alice, I’m sorry. There are no caterpillars smoking pipes and there are no magic mushrooms There are only girls in heels just around the corner smoking joints and waiting. Alice, Alice, why? You looked back and do you see now, Alice, that the Mad Hatter was just lonely? That he had ruin in his eyes? Do you see now that Tweedledee and Tweedledum were deceptions to pull you under? That they sung sweet songs engraved with lies? Do you see now that the cakes were stale and the potions were venom? Do you see now that the White Rabbit was no more than a fancy illusion? And so was the Cheshire Cat, Alice.

Dear Alice, paint the flowers, paint the flowers, paint the flowers. Paint them, Alice. Paint the daisies and marigolds. Paint the roses. Paint the thorns.

Dear Alice, I found you under the shade. I did not wish to wake you, but you opened your eyes. I wish you never had, for, Alice, the wonderland is gone, and the world is cruel.

Dear Alice, there is no wonderland. There is only wreckage. There is only ruin. There is only the world. There is only a wasteland. 

11:29

YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!! THE BAD KIND OF NUTS!!

7:53

1. Church bells sound like shards of glass to me. There are holes in my faith I wish to mend. 
2. You are a book I cannot read in one sitting. I want your pages to last. 
3. We are not so unfortunate, after all. The stars still wink as if they know every little secret in the world. Maybe they do, maybe they do. 
4. You told me once that travelling made you forget the aches you felt back home. Eighteen days more and I will be far, far away. The taste of forgetting will linger on my tongue, and it will feel so, so good. 
5. You told me the same stories over and over and over and over. You forget easily. I’m afraid you’ve forgotten about me. 
6. Look out your window. I think the moon’s lonely
7. Alice, Alice, I’m glad you’re alive. 
8. My dad’s fruit shakes are like bursts of sunshine, except they’re ice cold.
9. I wish I had really long arms so I could lift everyone I love off the ground and scoop them up in a really tight hug. 
10. On second thought, that was a really bad wish. Everyone would be running scared. I mean, who the fuck has arms as long as those?! 
11. I’m not gone. I’m lurking. 
12. This is going nowhere.

speck-s

Haven't blogged in a while but I do plan on going back here soon, when I find the time to make some changes, find a new theme and all that. This old theme reminds me of a lot of unpleasant things that send sad shudders down my spine. I don't want to have to think about them for now. I'll be around here for the mean time: speck-s.tumblr.com

I'm an ask away, but I'll be back soon. I promise. 

I missed you a lot. You used to feel like home.