Happy New Year! ♥

Bittersweet goodbye, 2011. 

I will write a post about you in a while. 

Although....

...this is cheering me up. I don't even know why. I'll just go on and stick with this while my parents are arguing and just ajsdhgjkahdsgjhaldghajsdghladgadgadg. Yeah, so before this post gets smothered by ajsdhgkajdhglahdsglj....here it is:

Thanks, Chryssie. 

You know what?

I think my New Year's Eve celebration is about to flunk again. So much for one HAPPY new year, huh? My parents are fighting over a such a petty thing. Unreasonable. Terribly unreasonable like two little kids. You know what? I felt so damn pissed minutes ago. Now? I just feel....empty. Indifferent. Apathetic. Cause really? What was I expecting?

2011, my love-hate relationship with you was interesting. Thank you. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say anymore nor do I know what to do.


Great. Now I have to settle with my mom's less than average cooking for dinner since they're all so grumpy and mad and just damn unreasonable to go out to some decent restaurant for good food.

If it isn't my own dysfunctional self, it's these two. I'm caught in the middle again. Damnit. Why am I always caught in the middle? I want to hop on some vehicle and zoom all the way to my cousins' house for some dose of merriment because this house is lonely and dreary and DEAD. Just damn dead.

Better yet, I want to sob deep heaving sobs. How great is my life?


asdgajdgajkdsg;kjads;kgj;akjdsg;kjadkgjadjgakbweituiajdsknmncxv,n;akejgaoweiutkasdugiouwoeiutpausdgijasdkgj;aksdjg,kajw;ektujiausdgjas;dkgjwie4outjkljnvmnxzcvnaklrghqi[airjgajsgkja'oiq[wruyiadgjq[wetujaksdjga'sklhja[wrohja[sidjgaweu]woreuj[asodjg[auewoau[sdgoiawejtklwjetiquweptiohujakdsgklznjxjf;gknam;wketuqiwejtajsd;kgja;kweljtqo4utjaisjdgkaljs;dgkjqweitu[aweiutjisjdg;akjwe'toqa[weotua[osjdgq;lkwejt[oajdsgj[qaweoutgjaksjd'gkzjxdm,va;wetiluj[sdjvlzkjdg;kqw09tujasdjzkdmg94ujtaslkgja.sdmg akldsjg;askjdgk;ajsdgag

well fck. 

Hello there.

I'm finally hooome. Tired and happy. The good kind of tired. The kind where you just want to curl up in your bed, but before you do so, you manage to muster all the energy you have left to contemplate about the memories you've made today, the smiles that have been plastered on your face unknowingly, the bursts of laughter without even trying....all that and a lot more. It's been a day of camwhoring, pigging out, lazy road trips and more pigging out with my two cousins.

Here's the only downside...well, this restaurant....ohgod. We've been flogged by poor service, an inconsiderately noisy vicinity, terribly unreasonable prices and the food wasn't even that good. Gaaah.

Chryss, I'm sorry. Check your mentions in twitter. You know, I don't normally curse online but argh, fvck this.

She treads the waves to stay afloat

To stay within the places

The ones you deemed  the neutral zones

I am in the process of writing a poem that will likely be depressing, just like all the poems I write. 

Uh...or maybe not. We'll see. 

Guess what?

I'm listening to Cody Simpson.

I was bored, looking for some albums to download and I don't know what happened. I downloaded his Coast to Coast EP. He has nice songs. No worries, though.  The chance of me becoming some fan girl, some Simpsonizer, or whatever you guys call his fans,  is about uh....3 %? It's unlikely.

Usually, I get attached to the music, anyway, not the artist.

Anyways, here's one song I like from his EP:

Crazy But True ~

And I like this cover of Viva La Vida by T-Swizzle. Haha.

Just sharing. Haha. 

13 - Crappy Wednesday

• Woke up at 1 pm. Lazy me is lazy.
• Did nothing useful. Nothing at all.
• I just wanted to scream at everyone. Tsk tsk.
• I miss my dog. Bring him baaack. 
• The Book Thief. Figurative language. Aaah, beautiful. 
• Baby oranges. All day, everyday!
• I attempted to study SS. Hahahahahahahahhaha.
• Dinner out with my parents at Diamond Palace, some Chinese restaurant. Yum. 
• Rushed to SM. Literally rushed. T'was almost closing time but my mom had to dash for her reservation of this handbag she wanted. 
• New earphooones. Yay. 
• Home. 
• Anger. 
• Post about anger that I reverted to draft. Why? Well, for one, I'm feeling cautious somehow, it was a bit too obvious, and lastly, I know something is wrong with me. It just won't leave my mind. It's practically implanted into this little brain of mine. It's eating me up and just like you, I can't let it go that easily. Just like you, it's messing with my mind, too. Just like you, I can't forget that easily either. But unlike you, I feel like I don't have a choice anymore. No either ways. Just your way. 
• "You" is italicized. Can you sense my distaste? 
• I liked you before. When this thing didn't rise to the surface and suffocate me when I floating face down. 
• Something is seriously wrong with me. 
• I think I'm insane. 
• I am. 

11 & 12

Okay so, Monday, 26th of December, let's see.

• Pretty much useless. 
• Watched two movies but bah, who cares? 
• Pigging out at home. Yum.
• Aunt's party
• Cam whoring 
• Karaoke night
• Socially awkward penguin so I went to call Chryss....
• ...but I couldn't hear half of what she was saying
• After hogging the phone, I became an awkward penguin again.
• I played with this teddy bear with wings
• Then I went to my cousins' room...
• ....and played games on her phone...
• ...while my cousin with the broken arm sat around, wide-eyed and all, like he had a big problem...
• ....idk.
• Then, I went home.
• And stayed up late. Yay

Pffft. Our faces. Ohmy. 

I love them. 

Fooling 'round with the birthday girl

Karaoke night

Uh.....look what a mess of an awkward penguin I am. Trying to hear Chryssie in the midst of all that "I LOVE YOUUUUUUU MY MY MY DELILAAAAAAH~". Failing miserably. 

_______________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, 27th of December

• I deemed the day useless when I woke up at 11 am.
• But I was wrong.
• Stiff neck and cramps. Terrible.
• Pigged out and read. 
• Baby oranges!!!!!!!!! 
• Then my cousin called. Sassy Asian.
• Then, she came over.
• Then, we watched Easy A while I had a stiff neck. Halfway through, I started noticing the oranges. Everywhere.  
• Went to SM. Supposedly, we were going gift shopping but ended up clothes shopping for my mother.
• That sassy Asian is a closeted fashion guru. 
• My mother + the sassy Asian = This is fun, but I'm hungry so let's go eat.
• Mcdoooo! PIG OUUUUT. I swear I think I'm gonna die early. Knock on wood for me? 
• Got the coffee dangler. Woooo.
• Shopped some more til closing time.
• Brought the Asian home
• Hoooooome sweet hoooome
• Late night phone call
• Hehe 
• 1:30 am.
• Can't say any more. 
• Haha thanks. 
• Blog post about how happy I was. 
• Joe Brooks before I fell asleep. 

asdkjfkadj;kajds;gkjadgjagkja Argh

Bring Mushu back, you....you people. Unfortunately, I think I've built up this emotional attachment again. God, I've had him for like what? 2 days? And ugh, just bring him baaaaaack :(((((((((((

This is my period, btw. I want to scream at everyone. He won't die ok he won't!!!! Just because something's small and two months old, doesn't mean it'll die! Sad life. Gaaaah. Ugh. kajsdgkja;sdkgjadkg incoherent shit. 

Haha.

This feels really nice. I wouldn't mind feeling this wonderment and lightheartedness for the rest of my life. And guess what? I'm actually sleepy at 1:28 am. This is new. Usually, I just force myself to go to bed for the sake of  letting my parents have their peace of mind and all. So I guess I'm going to bed now. I had a really great night, something to remember.

Aw, shucks. This feels really nice.

I just happen to fancy this song, and it's relevant too. 

So good night...or in this case, good morning. It's been fun.























And you know what? Just forget about it. Let's just laugh.
HAHA. 

Okay.

So I'm sitting here learning some songs on the guitar via Youtube tutorials, fuming. Listen here, dearie. I don't want to end up like I did last night so cut me some slack and stop that little act of yours.

I'm on the verge of slamming my keyboard, punching my computer screen and all that, but that will just make my fist hurt and my parents angry. No good. No good at all.

10- Christmas Day

• Woke up quite early just to find Mushu out of the makeshift bed we gave him and asleep on my used clothes that were sprawled on one corner of the room.
• I dozed off for a few minutes, then woke up again found him roaming around and sniffing every corner of my room. 
• ^That happened quite a few times until my mom started to scold me, forcing me to sleep. 
• So I did. 
• Then, the three of us actually "bonded" through Mushu. 
• Then, my cousin came.
• We went to my grandmother's house for this family gathering every year.
• I don't know how I survive through this every year. Socially awkward penguin. 
• I wasn't even able to enjoy the food since I had these "pre-period" cramps....but nomnom pastel cake.
• Everyone wanted to take a picture with Mushu.
• As usual, I sat around and laughed a bit.
• Then we left and went to the pet shop where we left Mushu for check-up at the vet the next day.
• Went to the mall, walked around and ate dinner at Chowking since most of the restaurants were either closed or utterly crowded. I hate crowded restaurants.
• I don't know how my parents deal with grief over a friend who has actually passed away a long time ago. They had no idea. I wanted to cry for their sake, considering it's Christmas and all. 
• Then we went to bring my cousin home. Terrible, terrible cramps. 
• Phone call. 
• Not again. Please, not again. Either way, I'm still going to end up like this. 
• Wait......it's not going either ways. It's going your way. Just like it has always been. 
• I couldn't sleep. I'm prone to over thinking and guess what I did last night? Yep, I did just that. Maybe it was my period but emotions were just rushing at me like a fast carnival ride. I don't know how I managed to close my eyes and find the sleep in my head. 
• It was...... ajsdhjahdslgjhadlsjghadsghjasdhgljahjasdhlgjahdsljghasdljghaljdsghaljdshglajsdhglajdhgljahdslgjhadgdshgjasdhgljahdslgjahsdlgjhaldsghaldshglajsdhglajdshglajdhstiuepiotuqpweiutpqweutiuazidugaetadgad

Just a thought. 'Cause you know...it happens.

• Do you ever get that feeling? You know, when an awaited moment comes, then, suddenly, it's just over? First, you bask in the pleasant surprise and savor that little leap of happiness within you. Then you get that hint, some kind of warning that it's ending. You try so hard, so darn hard, to prolong it for even just a little while, just until you've gotten enough to fuel you up for the time being 'cause you know it's a rare occurrence. No chance of it happening for a long time. Maybe you do succeed. It goes on for the a minute or two. Back and forth, back and forth, a brief exchange.....but it ends anyway. 

Then you start to hate yourself for letting it end. For feeling happy because it was temporary happiness, after all. You can't believe yourself. You've fallen for it again. You've been a fool but you know deep within yourself, you've been yearning for it, waiting and longing. 

Just a thought. 'Cause you know... it happens. 

• I hesitate to open myself up to people. I hesitate to admit that, yes, this is actually how I really feel. Yes, this is really how it is for me. Yes, it's that difficult for me. Yes, I feel that too. Too much risk of hurt out there, you know what I'm saying? 

Just a thought. 'Cause you know....it happens.

• I also hesitate to tell the truth for fear of hurting people. I do sugarcoat a lot, but that's not what I'm saying. I just....you know those moments when you say you're just fine, it's fine, everything's just fine, but it's really not 'cause you're really struggling inside? That's it, but let's keep it this way:  I'm a liar and I lie to make people happy, and I'm wondering if that's bad. It's impulsive. I hate it ,but I embrace it. 

Just a thought. 'Cause you know...it happens.

• When you were a kid, did you use to play pretend, too? I did. Wasn't it much fun back then. It's difficult now. You have to build a stealthier disguise, a more convincing one to let people believe what you want them to believe. 

Before, maybe you were Superman. You had a red cape and you could fly around the city. You save that damsel in distress to prove your worth and your glory. 

Before, maybe you were the princess. You had a long flowing dress and a precious silver tiara. A witch was about to zap you away, but you had to have faith for that prince, your true love to come miraculously barreling through the scary monsters and all that. 

Under all that glitter and gold and shining, shimmering, splendid, though, you were in your ratty house clothes. Just an ordinary kid. Clueless and happy.

Now, though, you have fake smiles and overeager laughter, looking away and poker faces, "I'm fine"excuses and lies. Under all that, though, maybe you're breaking, maybe you're angry, maybe you're sad, maybe you're alone. Endless possibilities and uncertain disguises. 

Playing pretend isn't fun anymore, you know?

Just a thought. 'Cause you know, it happens. 

• Fallen expectations break me. So do all the clutter I've been trying to dump at the back of my mind that come rushing back to bother me and my lazy days. Those days were my refuge. Temporary happiness, once again.

You try so hard to be better. You try so hard to reduce all the hate. You try so hard but it's impossible. 

Just a thought. 'Cause you know, it happens.

•  Merry Merry Christmas, once again. Before I go to sleep.... Jesus, thanks... for everything. Everything. I know I'm all messed-up and foolish. I can't even count how many times I've committed those stupid mistakes and wrongdoings against you. Sometimes, I just hide. I run away. I'm sorry. And thank you. I can't put everything into words but.... thank you. I love you. 

Just a thought. 'Cause you know, Christmas happens once a year and I kind of owe some gratitude and reconciliation to God. 

9- T'was the 24th of December falalalalala

• Merry Christmas here. Merry Christmas there. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYWHERE!
• Woke up and wanted to pop in a movie so I fixed myself some salad and settled down in my parent's room to do just that.

•  Then my sassy Asian cousin came screaming my name and I went out of the room to find her carrying a Shih Tzu pup. 
•  All day, we just hung around while the little cutie patootie slept on the cold tiled floor.....and peed....................everywhere. Claiming his territory, or so they say. 

•  We had a really hard time finding a name and all the while I was thinking: IDENTITY CRISIS. 

•  We decided on Mushu. Actually, I decided on Mushu. This emotional attachment to Mulan and all. Then, my dad liked it and my cousin liked it and my other cousin liked it but my mom hated it and yeah..... 

• Meet Mushu 

• All he did was sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep on his first day here.

• He did pee a lot too.
• He likes milk. When he eats, he eats a lot and he has such a small mouth, he couldn't reach the food in his own bowl unless he gets his two front paws in or you turn the bowl around for him. 

• He meows like a cat.
• Mushu is my brothaaa.
• This is the beginning of another one of my emotional attachments. 
• My Christmas Eve celebration sucked so you better not ask.
• It's written all over my previous post, anyway, so obviously, there's nothing to ask.

I never ordered one Christmas without the Merry.

Surely, I can't be this sad on Christmas Eve. Surely, this cannot be possible? Oh but it is! It is happening. I am sad. I am frustrated.


Everyone's asleep. This vicinity of the whole house is quiet. I have a whole night in front of me to waste. The rain is steadily pounding on the roof. In normal circumstances, this would have been perfect. But tonight does not fall under 'normal circumstances.' For once, I want noise. I want loud, boisterous, happy chatter to fill my surroundings. I want firecrackers to go off in the streets outside. I want jolly songs about Christmas to fill my head, loud enough that I won't be able to hear myself think.

Is it so wrong to wish for a Merry Christmas? My whole life, I've been wanting to spend Christmas Eve with my cousins, not really wanting to go home ,and my whole life, when that happened, I would be scolded and reprimanded and more often than not, I'd end up crying. Red puffy eyes and all. I'd stopped that a few years ago, knowing that nothing will ever really change. It'd still be a lone family of three, trying to make Christmas as cheerful as they can. Looking back, there were forced overeager smiles and laughter. Of course, I'm saying that as a pessimist, who is, at the moment, feeling very dejected. But after all that, those things I've written about trying, why is it that this year, we just stopped? We didn't even countdown to 12. We didn't even keep up a cheerful chatty conversation at Noche Buena. All my dad could mutter about was the Sendong victims, how all they had were sardines for Noche Buena tonight, how they were all homeless. And yes, okay, I care but the news on the television, on the radio,on the newspapers, everywhere....they fill people up with those dreary tragedies  every single day. Aren't you tired? Is that all you can say? Gosh, we didn't even have gifts for each other. The food....well, my parents had no time to prepare for that. Then, worst thing is, my dad gets mad at me for staying up late. Gosh, really? Didn't we use to stay up till 3 am? Didn't we? 

Maybe these rants are foolish, childish, selfish.....call it whatever, call it chicken salad but is it so damn wrong to wish for happiness? Is it?

See what expectations do to you? Hmm, I guess I'll just sit here, still in a dress, feeling out of it, completely dejected. Maybe cry a little while I'm at it.

8 - Weary Friday

• At this point, I'm just really just forcing myself to do this. 
• I'm working on something. Still unfinished. Still uninspired. 
• Slacking off and slacking off and slacking off and reading and doing nothing. 
• I got tired of doing nothing and actually got bored. Boredom drains my energy up to the point where I'd just like to barf everything up, curl up and sleep.
• And I did sleep. For about two hours. And woke up with a pain at the back of the neck. Which is something you do not want to have just before you attend piano lessons. 
• Breezed through my piano lessons and went with my parents to the mall. It was a rough ride....
• ...but then we had dinner and the arguments and all those crappy whatnots were dropped. Food is a common ground so just dig in. 
• Bought some movies. That guy singing in Astroplus, though......hahahahaahahaahahahhahahaa. I'm sorry. I just really had to laugh. 
• Also dropped by my cousins. This is the first time seeing my pregnant aunt and suddenly, I have this little jump of surprise in me knowing that I'll have a new cousin by this summer.
• My mother wants a Shih Tzu. A dog. She wants a dog. Let me just begin to process that............
• She's OC and she used to think dogs were icky, yucky, ewwww and now, she wants one.
• My cousin has sources. My mother is excited.
• Enough with my mother and the dog.
• My parents fought over potato salad. 
• Potato salad, for Pete's sake. 
• It's the 24th tomorrow.
• Oh my. Really?
• Ok, Joy. We get it. You're getting incoherent. 

• Downloaded Birdy's album today. Her songs are very soothing. 

• Speaking of soothing......

Ok, honestly, hearing that Taylor Swift was going to be part of the Hunger Games soundtrack, my initial reaction was "Really?"

(No wait, initial initial reaction was "They're gonna have a soundtrack? Really?")

But just like that glorious moment when you're about to hear a new song, I felt that giddy tug in the gut. I like the song. It's calming. It's soft and sad and haunting, tragedy and devastation and war come to mind. All that and the aftershocks. 

• This music video isn't very creative....

......but I like the song. 

• Hehe, just sharing :) 
• But more for my own benefit. Future reference. You know, when I go pining for music, I might just come running back to these. 

7- Thursday get-together

• So last night, I slept at about 2 am. Sleep deprivation at its best and by none other than my own self. I swear, after Christmas, I'm going to try to sleep early. This time I'll stay true to my word. 
• The whole day was spent slacking off, logging on to the world wide web, reading, eating, fooling around with my guitar, trying to sleep but failing miserably, silly phone calls. 
• I spent about 2 hours practicing my pieces. I don't want to shame myself again. I've also been thinking how much of a slob I've been when it came to my piano lessons. 
• Got ready for Angel's birthday 30 minutes before the specified time. I need to learn time management.
• I arrived a bit late. Almost everyone was already there: Melissa, Anne Mary, Leanne, Francine,  Paula, Shelah, Rhea and of course, Angel herself. Myka, Julienne and Mark arrived a bit after I did.
• Nobody would sit  beside Leanne. Reserved for Mark and only for Mark. *winkwink* Although, afterwards, we did keep the teasing to minimum or else we'd feel Leanne's silent wrath. 
• I realized at this point that I forgot Angel's gift at home. My mind. My forgetful mind.  
• It's her birthday. And....she gave me a Christmas gift and I was like, "But it's your birthday.............................................."
• We fooled around for a bit. People always notice that I don't talk much. Maybe it's because I'm too busy laughing at your crazy antics. And I know it may seem boring or maybe even sad to you, but I'm accustomed to watching people have fun. I get caught up in just looking on and laughing to myself. Loner, haha. Really, though. 
• Corny jokes and all kinds of humor. 
• Dinner! All those awkward silences dawning upon us, then the fooling around would resurface once again. 
• Charades. Movie charade. I am not movie-smart, therefore, I sucked at that. But truth is, I just really suck at guessing games like these. My mind. My idiotic mind.
• Am I half deaf? Occasionally, I guess I am.
• Carolers! We clapped along to the jolly tunes. And laughed a bit.
• Pinoy Henyo. I suck. So so much. Snowflake. Snow candy. Snow envelope. Snow angel. Good Lord, the answer was Snow Man and it didn't even cross my mind.
• Jelly Tongue Popsicles and Rosaries.
• Crawling around for candies. T'was fun. 
• Hanging around and cooling off. It was only Julienne, Melissa, Francine, Anne Mary, and me left. 
• Fetched unexpectedly. I didn't even call. 
• Dear Angel, I know you probably won't get to see this, but thank you for the fun night. I haven't had one in ages. I know we probably weren't in the best of terms last year with all the group rivalry and all, but sometimes, when all that drama has broken out and died down, you just can't help but see the light in a person. With that said, I greet you a happy birthday once again, and while I'm at it, I'll also just greet you a merry merry Christmas! :) 
• Chatting with my mommy. No, not my actual mother but Anne Mary. 
• I never expected to have fun tonight. But then again, I never expect anything. It comes out as a surprise and a pleasant one, at that. 
• I'll prolly attach some photos once they're uploaded but for now, here's a written account. 
• You always make me wonder. 

Words of a teenage escapist.: Ehehe.

Words of a teenage escapist.: Ehehe.: lol she saw my bunny video she won't send me to to my rightful owner :( I love our Facebook conversations.

Hehe. I love you but....I'm too broke for my own life to send you to Korea. ( Remember, you're gonna be filthy rich in the future and you're gonna treat me to a free plane ticket and we'll go to Shinsekai and stalk your boyfriend/s and yeah.) Besides, I've decided to keep you. Ehehehehehehehehehhehee bunny napper.

He's self-confessed and a little obssessed

Fangirling so much about new artists and new EPs coming out. Christmas isn't so bad after all.

Live Session of Nina Nesbitt - Noserings and Shoestrings

I raped the replay button. 

Also, new EP from He is We!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Extreme fangirling. Everyone should go, go, go and listen to them! First track on their purevolume page!

Wait......I didn't mean everyone everyone. 

Skip to the Good Part EP - He is We

Last Song Syndrome, anyone?

Wakey!Wakey! - Got It All Wrong

I didn't want to be all serious on Twitter so I think I'll just "tweetblog" here. 

#2011was.....I can't find the right word. Interesting, maybe? It burned me out and built me up in ways I never did expect.

That was how 2011 really was. 

6 - Wednesday with my dentist

Let's do something different, say, narrate the day starting from the latest uninteresting occurrence, maybe?

• I just got off the phone with Chryss and somehow, I still get the faintest hint of amazement about how we can range from being dead serious to being all out goofballs on the phone, while in person, we can just sit down without saying anything, perfectly content with staring off into space. 
• I took a cold shower the moment I reached home. Showers at night make me feel good. They melt all that unnecessary stress away. For the moment, at least. 
• Hoooome. Hooome. Hoooooome. Hello. 
• I saw this whole shelf of Nancy Drew hardbound novels and I had the urge to either buy them all or sit on the cold tiled floor and read. 
• Off to NBS. All the while thinking: "I'm not in a rush to grow up BUT DARN IT WHEN WILL I HAVE MY OWN JOB AND HAVE MONEY TO BUY ALL THE BOOKS I WANT!!!!" It was way better before. Now, my sudden itch for books isn't even acknowledged. Life's unfair, deal with it. 
• We were at Chez Rose when I heard some tiny voice call out my name. Turns out it was Frances' cute little sister. Aww :3
• Gift shopping for a friend. 
• Went to Pizza Hut. Trust me, though, when you're craving for Shakeys and you resort to Pizza Hut just because the former was too crowded, well, let's just say it wasn't that satisfying. It travels just down your throat, if that even makes sense. At that point, though, I could've eaten anything that looked appetizing enough.
• My mom had to go somewhere. Probably to a friend of hers. We waited in the car. Me just reading a book until it was too dark to make out the words while my dad was listening to the radio bursting static and droning on and on and on and on about terrible news and contradicting opinions and complaints and all those things. It was only then that the sharp tug of hunger that I should've felt hours ago.
• My parents dragged me around all afternoon, all throughtout their busy schedules. All the while, I still hadn't had lunch. Strangely, though, the hunger hadn't kicked in just yet. 
• I loathe going to the dentist. It's scary. The clinical atmosphere, the whirring sounds, the unfamiliar tools, the strange odors. They're all so...unnerving. I always feel on the edge while the dentist hammers away on my poor tired mouth. It's like my feet plant themselves on invisible ground, which is actually just insipid transparent air, as if securing my body from any abrupt movement. I just have this strange premonition that I might feel some sudden excruciating pain while the dentist is holding some tool that looks dangerously sharp and I'd jump up, startled, and my mouth would bleed and ugh, no it's terrible. I just expressed my dislike for my uneventful trips to the dentist. I must have no life. 
• Without even offering me lunch, my parents dragged me down to the dentist. How lovely.
• My dad arrived home, unexpectedly, with these two paintings that were heaven to my eyes. It's not anything new. The same old landscape paintings but I don't think I'll ever lose that twinge of wonderment when a work of art catches my eye. Sadly, though, my mother thinks it doesn't match the house decor. It'd be a shame to let them go. 
• I resorted to losing myself in the world wide web for a while. It was a cranky morning. Doesn't matter. I was never a morning person anyway. It could've been better, though.
• I was thinking that maybe I'll stay in my parent's room and read for a while, but my feet took a u-turn to my room and guess what I found? A clean bedroom. With no crumpled clothes strewn all over the floor. No clutter on the bed. No. Nothing. And you can just guess how unnerved I got. I wanted to just break down, scream and sob just like I'd always wanted to when my mom would clean out my room and things are not where they should be. Every freaking time. My room is not yours to touch, okay? Okay? Okay? Aw. 
• I had a big breakfast. Or maybe I should call it brunch but I never really meant it to be one. 
• I woke up.

Thoughts at 12:36 am

• I feel relieved.
• Then, I feel quite paranoid. 
• I'm overthinking.
• Ugh, let it go.
• Blogging about my day is something I'm already accustomed to. It's nice having something to run home to at the end of the day. It brings a thousand bucketfuls of relief. 
• I never really prepare for these posts. I just type them all up. Right now, I can just find so many errors. Please forgive them. It's exhausting to edit, edit and edit all those. 
• I can't sleep. 
• The night has this strange calming effect on me. Everything is quiet and settled and I'm all alone. The world is at peace and nothing's wrong. It's one of the best feelings in the world. 
• You know, sometimes, I wish I didn't need to sleep. I wish I could stay wide awake all night doing things in the silence. I wish the night would just stretch out until I begin to miss the daylight. 
• I hope that wasn't a virus. Some viruses have already devoured the speed of this computer. Don't add. 
• I need to get this desktop fixed.
• I really, really, really need to sleep now. 
• The phone's ringing.
• It startled me.
• I won't answer it.
• Gecko, you are scaring me. Please don't. Please just......shush. 
• I'm always in the mood to read during the day.
• I think I need to go now. 
• Please.......I don't exactly know what I'm asking for but....just.....please....
• I think I'll resort to writing prompts.
• I suck.
• So much. 
• Estupido. 

Light's gone, day's end

Some new songs I stumbled upon this Christmas. They've all got me hooked. Some people laugh at my music taste but haha, all is well. To each her own. Music is my best distraction at the moment. So is blogging. It's a relief how I still know how to write. It may not be with paper and pen but it'll do. Anyways, before I get completely off the topic, let me just share these beautiful harmonies my ears have been very pleased to hear:

Romeo Must Die by Gabrielle Aplin

This was shot live. Live, I tell you, live. I can't wait for Home to be released. Sadly, though, they don't sell physical copies of the albums of the artists I like here. Gaaah. 

This was shot in a church. And you can just guess that my initial thought was how ironic it is to sing in  church about how someone must die. Of course, the song's not about that, or so my mind tells me.

Who would've thought that a church would be an ideal place to film? 

    

Keep Pushing Me Away by Gabrielle Aplin

I found so much comfort in this song. I don't even know. 

She and the piano are both beautiful. They make me smile. 

Daniel by Dia Frampton

Isabella by Dia Frampton

I've just discovered her recently. Recently as in yesterday, and I've grown to like her music. 

And I really have no idea why but her music video of The Broken Ones was just......idk. It's just.....I liked it.

Nina Nesbitt's cover of The A Team orginally by Ed Sheeran

Just discovered her today and I have yet to decide if I like her music or not. Tomorrow, I'll definitely check out some of her songs but this cover................. I like this cover. 

5 - Frustrating Tuesdays

• Just came home from piano lessons. Darn, I did not do well in the duet piece at all. Don't take this the wrong way. I love this instrument. It's soulful and beautiful and all but when it's my turn to play, a twinge of frustration lingers in my mind. All the notes get jumbled up. My fingers slide to the wrong keys. That hint of fear that you might mess everything up in the middle of the harmony you're creating. It's terrible.
• I am screwed. Screwed as an untightened screw. 
• I had a lazy morning and a big breakfast. The news on television, though........
• The Philippines has always been a locked target of typhoons and the tragedies they bring are just....I don't have any words to match them. Awful and terrible and horrible don't even sum everything up. The poor had little. The homeless only had their small pieces of cardboard on the sidewalk. They were all struggling to live and now nothing's left for them. What makes it unbearable is that it's Christmas.
• 

•  Let's all pray for them, kay?
• I'll be going out with my mom in a while. Might have dinner with her. My dad's not here so it's just us.      Mother-daughter date, maybe? 
•  ^ Nahhh. We'll probably end up bickering by the end of the night. 
• Might go gift shopping for a friend, though. It's her birthday on Thursday :)
• Gabrielle Aplin just posted a video of one of her songs from her upcoming EP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excuse me   while I fangirl and bask in the beauty of her voice. Gaberzz.  Haha. 
• Ya'll should listen to Dia Frampton. 
• I usually use numbering but today I'm using bullets since the numbers became all jumbled up and I didn't know how to fix them so.....yeah. 

____________________________________________________________________

• I'm hoooooome.
• Dinner with my dearest mother. Teehee. Then we went strolling around the mall. We came close to bickering. So close. Thisclose.
• Went home to two phone calls :)
• It made 2nd year interesting. Yep, definitely. 
• That was a relief.
• I'm still consumed by the impact of the fear that ate me up.
• I'm still quite scared and paranoid. 
• All that.......
• Thanks, though.
• What to do now? 
• Oh, right, I'll blog about those new songs.....

The broken ones

This video is lovely and immensely creative.

3- Stray Sunday

Didn't go as planned. I hated it but I loved it. Welcome to my uninteresting life. You are not obliged to read this. You are susceptible to boredom.

1. Barely waking up at 6 am and slipping into church clothes.
2. Turns out, there was no mass. Mass was held at 5:30 am. A little too late, huh? I didn't like the idea of going to Mass in the afternoon, though. 
3. My parents were trying to settle some territorial conflict. My mom was all ajsdhgljkahdslghadsh.
4. Usual Sunday tradition: fulfilling breakfast at Bob's. It completes my Sundays. 
5. Went home to chill out for a while. I was about to change into comfy house clothes but we had to go somewhere. Groan. 
6. Lollipop. Haha,
7. Went to pick up my cousins. One had a bad arm. The other, well, she looked like a sassy Asian. Everyone's growing up so fast. The sassy Asian used to be rude and boyish. Guess college changed her. On the other hand, Mr. Bad Arm is taller than me!!!!!!! I remember all the small parties we had in their room. Nerdy lame parties which I loved so much. Then, all those silly secret organizations. Aw. And who would ever forget those petty arguments? 
8. ^I gave them code names. Idk. I'm just bored.
9. Took my usual spot at the back of the car. Looking out the window, I saw that the sky was blue and the clouds were puffy and with those thoughts, the steady movement of the car along the highway, with the occasional swerves and bumps, lulled me to sleep.
10. Woke up to see dried fields that used to be so green on my left and just wet brown soil that stretched out for God knows how long. The sun's rays beating down was painful. 
11. Went to my grandma's house and hunted for food. Didn't find any. Haha. 
12. Visited this little cutie. Camera shy awww.

 

13. Falling asleep. Again. On the couch. While my sassy Asian cousin fell asleep on the floor. 

14. Waking up to everyone rushing to leave and falling asleep during the drive back.

15. Going home. Didn't keep track of the time. Failed to go Mass. I know my faith is unstable and all, but my Sundays are never complete without going to Mass.

16. Gaisano for  book shopping but then my mom was all blah blah blah you don't take care of them blah blah whatever so I just went on and bought a new capo.

17. Max for dinner. Chicken. Yumyum. Asked for new earphones cause I wrecked my old ones but then my mom was all blah blah blah again. Sad life.

18. Chill out all night. 

4- Lazy Monday

1. I guess you're thinking now that lazy and Monday don't go together at all. In normal circumstances, I'd agree with you but since it's Christmas and I couldn't care less about school at the moment.....lazy Monday, it is.
2. Woke up at about 10:30 am or so. 
3. Spent the day locked up in my room, under the covers with the steady hum of the air conditioner, getting lost in a book, getting ahold of my sketch pad and sketching, scribbling whatever comes to mind, and fooling around with my guitar. 
4. This is the life.
5. This has been a very lazy post.
6. I was planning to write a post about my birthday that's more than a week late but bah, who cares? 
7. I feel lazy.
8. Chryssie, I'm sorry I wasn't able to upload the videos. I felt really lazy plus the Facebook video uploader is blech. Estimated time: 11 hours. yahoo for fb. 
9. I think I'll go read and eat some more. 
10. Bye. Hehehehehehehe. 

1 & 2 - Friday road trips and rainy Saturdays

This is how Day 1 and Day 2 of my Christmas break went:

1. Christmas party at school. T'was fun
2. The fact that Ms. Omori won't be teaching us next still hasn't sunken in yet.
3. Nostalgia, some sort of regret, indecisive self-conflict
4. Opening gifts at home before packing.

• Jotter Pad from Janina
• A journal from Manuela
• A cool picture frame from Racine
• A cute snow globe from Princess
• A really cute note and pen holder from my manita. Guess who? Francescaaaa
• Candies from Frances
• A cupcake from Ica
• A Domo pouch from my mommy, Anne Mary. Memories, indeed. 
• Nerds from Bea
• A keychain from my almost-birthday twin, Czarisse
• A lovely fanfic from Chryssie
• Thank you so much, guys!

5.  Lurking at the back of the car, armed with a pillow, three books, my iPod, food, journal, pens, and a jotter pad. This is the life. 

Look at this cozy nook. It's backache-inducing though if you end up in a wrong position. Trust me, I've tried   that a couple of times and it's terrible. 

6. Sleeping the whole time and waking up in a whole new town and wondering, 

"What the hell am I doing here?" 

7.  Eating at this small place before dusk. And helping my dad go gift shopping. 

8.  Checking in at this hotel and wanting to doze off once I hit the bed. 

But then, I felt so bored that I started singing these unfathomable melodies and pestered my parents. 

That was before I discovered there was WiFi. Forever lost and clueless. 

9. Hawaiian Christmas Party with my parents and my dad's office buddies. As usual, I was a socially awkward penguin but oh well, if there's food to keep me company, then everything's fine. Teehee. 

Look how amused my parents are with these little Hawaiian cuties.

10. Sleeping at 1 am just 'cause I felt like it.

11. Waking up at 9 am, enjoying every bit of sleep I got.

12. Breakfast with the lovely cold weather.

Early in the morning and my parents look stressed. Happily stressed, if that makes sense. 

13. Waiting for hours outside the dentist's office. I dozed off. T'was boring.

But it was dark. And it rained. And I loved the weather. 

14. Took my usual spot at the back of the car and thought of reasons why Chryssie should go to the SHINee concert. Tried to write a poem but ended up sleeping once again. 

15. Lunch at 3 pm on the way home.

16. Finally getting home. Terribly, terribly exhausted.

17. Phone call from Francesca that made me laugh so hard. Gosh, I love Panini. lol.

18. Phone call from Chryssie that made me smile. Aw, shucks :)

19. Sleeping at my parent's room since my grandma came to sleep over and we lent her my room for the night. Since she can't take the cold breeze from the air conditioner and I, on the other hand, can't sleep without its steady hum...well, I just let her be  and slept between my parents. Hehe. 

20. Laughing at some comedy show and taking a glimpse of some trailer of a horror film before completely getting lost in slumber. 

*I just really felt like attaching photos to this blog post.

* I have decided to keep track of my Christmas Break.

* I will write a post about my birthday soon. 

My hypothalamus is caught up in a storm. Whoosh.

• Culinary: Washing the dishes. The dishes. The washing. Washing. Dishes.  Dear, Lord, help me. 
• I  didn't expect to have so  much fun this afternoon. 
• It was nice not having to feel like I'm on my tiptoes. It was nice not having to face the drama. It was nice being myself and laughing so freely. It was nice knowing that it was just good clean fun. For the moment, I felt like everything was okay. Life is unpredictable and sometimes, that's a good thing.
• Gift shopping burned me out. I'm already an emotionally burnt toast. It burned me more. Now, I'm as black as an overused chimney. The kind where Santa hates to pass through.
• I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GIVE YOU PEOPLE.
• Rant. Rant. Rant. It hit me how unfair it really is. 
• I feel like a spare battery, or perhaps a spare button that goes with that new top. 
• Is it just me? Am I just too blind and jaded? 
• I feel like I'm always the one stepping aside, always the one paving ways for people. Sometimes, it's exhausting. Sometimes, I just can't help it. 
• Can't I talk to you, anymore?  
• I want to stay away for reasons I must keep to myself.
• I think I'll go watch that meteor shower.
•  But first, I must start on my homework. 20 minutes. 

Thoughts at 1 am, 14th December

• It's breaking me inside. It makes me sad. It's not the same anymore. Aw. 
• I am a wreck. A hopeless case. A tired zombie with the biggest eye bags everrrr. 
• I fell asleep.
• I ran out of soda to shake me out of this drowsy state. 
• That fruit juice tasted awful but the repulsive taste was enough to wake me up. Uh, yumyum?
• "Won't stay but I can't leave. Some twisted sense of loyalty"
• Can I just have some slight amnesia and forget you or start over and....WAIT NO KNOCK ON WOOD. 
• Joy, stop thinking. Stop overthinking. It's killing you. 
• Please let SHINee's concert happen this summer cause I love Chryss Mae so much and I don't want to see her sad cause I've never really seen her that sad and lonely and ohmy what will happen if....oh no. Yes but, this summer, please? Concert promoters? Event planners? HELLOOOO? 
• Blogging in bullets is nice. 

A few thoughts

• Life is a slap in the face. You are a slap in the face. Everyone else is a slap in the face. Some in a good, endearing way, some in a sad way, some in a terribly stupid way, some in a shocking, jaw-dropping way. A slap in the face. And it hurts but sometimes, it wakes you up, too. 
• I'm glad we're moving on from dreadful Genetics to Evolution. This is more bearable and interesting. 
• Ms. Omori's leaving and there's 3 more months to go before the school year ends. I don't like her as an English teacher, I admit that, but I like her outside the four walls of that classroom. She could've at least finished the year like Ms. Caytiles had. That's three teachers gone. 
• 3 different club moderators for the Dove this year. Hmm. 
• The new teacher does not look appealing at all. 
• They're telling me that I've changed....again. And they're blaming my seatmate. Well, excuse me, but Ica makes me happy. You? No, not much. People and their stupid labels. People and their stupid expectations.
• I don't feel so well. I slept at 3 am. I couldn't sleep. This must be why. I feel like a zombie.
• You make me feel weary.
• Ok, you're better than me. Haha. 
• Those Christmas lights look pretty. 
• This morning, I realized that I really, really miss listening to Taylor Swift's songs. 
• I will blog about Saturday soon, when I finally get to uploading the photos...and those videos. Hah, awkward. 
• Kudos to Marielle E. for suggesting Mat Kearney. His music is real nice. 
• I like this cover:

14 memories of 13

1. 13th birthday. That was one of the best birthdays. One that I won't ever forget. One that still pierces through my mind occasionally and brings a smile to my face and feelings of nostalgia.That afternoon. Shooting Ibong Adarna with the P8. It was raining. We had just arrived from Rob. Then, they put some girly tiara on my head and spoon feed the melted ice cream. To top it all off, there was a video cam. The rain scene. Coming home late. Chryssie's letter. Family dinner. Who could forget that? I really miss the P8.
2. What was left of  my first year of highschool. Suicidal cases. The last few P8 meet-ups. Late projects and such. SMG meet-up incident. 
3. Summer. Post-school depression. I knew I would be detached from several people, from the P8 and in a way, I guess I was right. I struggled to make it meaningful but I had too much time in my hands. It all went to waste. Nerve-wracking piano recital, hands down. Sims 2, haha. That last-minute vacation, though, was the best. Geckos, cousins, sea urchins and Princess.
4. Second year. The dismay that came with the realization that I was separated from my two of my closest friends, my security blanket. The following realization that it wasn't so bad, after all. 
5. Friendship struggles. The ones I kept to myself. The ones that always cluttered my mind. The little things. 
6. Finding someone who listened. Getting closer to someone who I never thought I would become friends with. 
7. Extemporaneous speech and receiving the news that Ms. Belleza was leaving for China. All in one night. 
8. Feeling afraid of losing you. Losing people. There came a denial phase.
9. That's when that conflict happened. I think, in a way, it destroyed everything. I think it broke me a little. I think it made me more of a pessimist. 
10. Realizing who my true friends really were. Feeling thankful after every conversation, after every laugh I shared with them, after every smile they plastered to my face. 
11. Hating my dad. Still hating him. Still hating his curses. Still hating how he made me cry just now, 17 minutes before my birthday. Way to go. As if I'll get anything worthwhile from you. I won't.
12. Pessimism. Feeling alone in the midst of my own group mates. Struggling to feel happy every single day. I've achieved some kind of temporary happiness recently. That's a start. Despising you. Kind of feeling like a second option. Feeling quite scared of losing people but that pull in the gut that tells me to just let go. Not abiding by the commands of that pull in the gut. Drifting away from you guys. It's sad but it's not the same anymore. 
13. Getting closer to those endearing people who make me smile every day. People who are not even in my circle of friends. People who make me happy :)
14. Today. Today was great. Thank you. I love you. 

Bye 13. 

2 minutes before 12 midnight.

I'm going to be 14 in 2 minutes. My dad had to make me cry. Just had to ruin it. But blech, who cares about him?

Bye, 13 year old me. I'll see you in the flashbacks. 

Today and tomorrow and tonight and yeah

• Quite a surprise this morning :) Thanks. To you and you and you and you and you and all of you. 
• I felt quite sad at some point.
• For the most part though, I felt really positive.
• And that was a nice feeling.
• Now, though......
• I feel quite uncomfortable about this.
• Awkward......
• I suck, yes. 
• Ok. 
• I'll be 14 in a few hours. 
• And when the clock strikes 12, I'll be up reading a letter from Janina and opening up a gift from Ica.
• Yeah, I'm traditional like that.
• Haha. Don't laugh. 
• I'll just go listen to Jack Johnson and feel happy. 

• Alay Puso tomorrow. 
• I'm looking forward to it. 
• Again, not everything's about you ok?
• I still hate caring about what people expect of me.
• Last pessimistic post by 13 year old me.
• Not that it'll really make any difference
• Just let me be
• :) 

Feathers are meant for the sky

Home is where your heart is set in stone

Where you go when you're alone

5 pm thoughts: 

• I don't like it when people tell me that I've changed, that I'm not the same, that probably I've become worse, when all the while, I'm at the core of my pessimism, when the severity of my own negativity is eating me up. They treat it like a joke, like it's something to laugh about. Well, ok, yes, the first time you said it, it was funny. No, not really, but I'll be kind and laugh at that ....Now, repeat it five, ten, fifteen times. Tell it to everyone, damn it.
• Ok, maybe I'm feeling quite sensitive today but really. 
• And don't tell me that. How many times have I let you laugh at me, make fun of me freely? Without even a frown, without showing you that I'm hurt. Maybe I get mad sometimes and things may get complicated at that point, but doesn't it always come back to normalcy? Doesn't it always come back to square one? Doesn't it always?  So don't you tell me that. 
• Sometimes, people should be careful with their words. 
• I need to study computer. 
• Bye. 
• Am I home yet? 
• Do not look at the sun and the moon, Joy. The stars and the clouds are there for you.