{dear janina}

Dug up my old sketchbook and this fell out. I was actually planning to give you this during your birthday but I...er...lost it. You know how scatterbrained I was during the academic year.

Anyways, here it is. I'm sorry if this looks sloppy and mediocre and all. I miss you. I hope the three of us can hang out soon. 

allow me this piece of profanity

fuck you all.

{my blog keeps me company}

no one here asks if i'm okay

or if  i'm happy

or if i'm hungry

no one here asks how i am 

or if i'm holding up

or if i want some company

no one here  greets me good morning

or asks me what i've been up to

or  gives me a hug when i'm down

which is why I have a blog

but i'm sorry

if sometimes

 it does not suffice

i need real people too

{it's quiet company}

"It's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders."

{sleep cures perfection}

I was angry
so I spread myself on the cold tiled floor 
 bled with colors and words instead of tears 
this is what became of me. 

{keep calm and carry on}

  

Who would've thought?  

{note to self:}

Keep drawing. Keep writing. Keep playing. Keep talking. Keep singing. Keep dancing. Keep doing whatever you love to do. I know it sounds cliche. Maybe the kind of cliche that you jot down on paper to ace an essay, but I guess it's a pinch of truth in this world full of liars and traitors and people holding knives behind their backs, waiting to pounce. Keep doing whatever it is you want to do, as long as you're happy, fine, well and still on the line. Even though the tip of your pencil breaks off. Even though your pen runs out of ink. Even though they tell you to turn it down a notch. Even though your voice cracks. Even though you fall in front of everybody. Even though you're frustrated with how life is turning out. 

I just needed to remind myself. It's not as easy to put into action. It's not as easy to live as it is to just exist. 

{breathe & bleed}

Youth by Daughter

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.

Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.

From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

Setting fire to our insides for fun

Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless, 

We are the wild youth

Chasing visions of our futures

One day we'll reveal the truth

That one will die before he gets there.

[

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.

We're setting fire to our insides for fun.

Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home, 

It was a flood that wrecked this... 

... and you caused it... 

... and you caused it... 

... and you caused it... 

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette, 

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget, 

My eyes ae damp from the words you left, 

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one, 

'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.

Setting fire to our insides for fun, 

To distract our hearts from ever missing them.

But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it, 

And you caused it, 

And you caused it

_____________________________________________________________________

 Life is uneventful, as always. I'm not bored, but I'm restless. These feelings of misanthropy are getting stronger by the minute. I'm getting worse everyday. I feel non-existent. I feel like a ghost. People are passing me by just as summer is passing me by. 

So I'll leave you to swim the depths of this lovely song, because honestly, I can't find anything lovely in my life right now. I figured I needed some enlightenment so I fed my soul music and music told me that I was lucky to be breathing & to be bleeding.

There are just times like this when I would get lonely, stuck in a rut and end up not getting anything done.

I'll try to disappear from my social networking sites. TRY. But I'll still be online, blogging or feeding myself music or being a creeper or trying not to tweet. No, I personally think this will NOT work for a person like me but, haha, I'll deprive myself.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I trashed the idea stated above. I need social networking sites. No one in this house is in the position to be a potential listener. I am on the brink of letting loose with a string of profanities at the moment. FFFFUUUU. kbye.

I saw specks in the sky
as I watched you breathing
in the eyes of my mind

and I took out my soul
because
my soul blends in with the sky
wrapped it delicate in my fingers
tried to paint over
the specks
up high

but
the sparrows, they fly
we all wish we can be
but I do fear
we'll never be as free

The specks edged closer

they grew their wings

as I watched you sleeping

across silent telephone lines

and hour-long traffic jams

but I kept my soul

looked far away

because

I knew

during the day

that

the sparrows

they fly

we all wish we can be

but I do fear

they'll never be 

as lonely

as me

I got tired

of watching you breathe

of watching you sleep

in the eyes of my mind

across silent telephone lines

and hour-long traffic jams

through broken reflections 

in shattered mirrors

I longed for you in my arms

so 

I turned to the specks

the specks

thrived into sparrows

but 

the sparrows

they fly away

like everyone

with whom

I spent my days

so

I turned to loneliness 

to keep me company

cause I knew

the sparrows

they 'll never be

as detached from you 

as me

• This is how I feel at the moment. This is how it's been going for me lately. Like I'm waiting, except I'm not waiting over an aromatic cup of coffee, but over a lot of shit that pull me in one of those dreadful cycles that I still haven't managed to escape. One day, I just feel invincible and determined to conquer all my to-do lists scrawled on crumpled and creased pieces of paper scattered all over my room. The next I'd be my own crumpled version of a neglected to-do list, discouraged and doubting. I lose heart that easily. As for that something I'm waiting for. I don't know. I guess I'm waiting for someone to pull me out of this empty house, out of "alonedom", out of the midst of my shadow, and into a room full of happiness free flying in the air, up for grabs for the lonely and lost soul, that is me. 
• I have less than 30 minutes to get ready for art workshop. I'm so lonely and awkward there.
• I have less than 2 weeks to barrel through 1 and a half books full of notes for me to read and decode and apply unto these black and white keys that frustrate me too much, it hurts. I love the instrument but I hate myself for not loving it enough to play it well.  
• I need some lovely company.

Sigh-worthy mini rants

I have the strong urge to learn yet another new instrument 'cause I think I'm learning two of the most overrated and overexposed instruments at present. 

Sigh. 

Or maybe it's just me.


And I'm still incredulous to the fact that I wasted all that energy and time on you. I probably shouldn't have.


Darn, I miss my friends a lot. I'd relive a few school days just to see them at the moment. Sigh, why do I even feel this way? Maybe I just feel isolated, cooped up in this empty house with no one but my shadow and life on the internet.

What am I doing with my life?
It's easy to lose heart.

Birds fly like, you know, I wish I could.

This is what my second week of summer was made up of: bird sketches. 

I patterned this one on the owl on the cover of the first Harry Potter book, and after this one, the streak of sketching birds started. I don't even know. I was amused. I don't even know. 

Followed these ones on some photos Google gave me. 

Sunrise or Sunset?

I've been working on this all morning, just to see if I still had my way over my lovely pastels. It looks a bit drab & rushed in this photo, though, but my sketch pad does it justice & I'm quite happy with how it turned out. 

Hand me the world on a silver platter

Maroon 5 - If I Ain't Got You (Alicia Keys Cover)

I have to admit. I was never really an avid fan of Maroon 5, although, I do listen to them occasionally. I must say, though, I liked the cover and I currently have it on loop. 

Anyone remember this song? 

"Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share 
With no one who truly cares for me 

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you"

Anyways, 

• I was angry so I turned into a neat freak and cleaned out my room. I feel accomplished.
• I'm starting art workshop tomorrow. Honestly, I think I just joined partly because I want to feel like I actually did something this summer, but I really do miss having art classes.
• I'm a bit nervous, though. I don't know anyone. I've been joining this workshop since I was a kid, but it's the first time I'm actually entering alone without my cousins.
• Ehe, wish me luck. I'm quite determined to make myself feel useful. 
• I'm trying to learn barre chords. My fingers feel like ajsdhgjkadhsgljahdsljghadsgadsgadsasdg. 
• I'm not a Kpop fan but holy cows that moo! Taemin and IU ajajsdhgjasdhlgjahdsg they look so cute together i ship them waaaaaah
• Summer is a bummer bummer bummer bummer
• IN THE HEAT OF SUMMER SUNSHINEEE, I MISS YOUUUUUUUU~ 

How's your day?

• I went to school for Cards' Out today. I was delighted to see my friends again as I miss them quite terribly. I felt this tug of sadness, though, seeing our teachers. I know next year will be almost entirely different. The familiar faces that we had known won't be around as often anymore. Some of them are leaving. It's quite sad. 
• In other news, a wave of relief washed over me as I saw my grades. I didn't exactly breeze through 4th quarter, you know. Much less in the final exams. Ack. I did decrease in a lot, though, but I was especially happy to see my Biology grade. I'll miss Biology. I know that probably makes me sound like a geek, but duh, I am one. Nyehehe.
• There were some, uhm, silent conflicts, though. Everything is completely fine, as always. 
• I was quite ready to go straight home, but then, I ended up in Frances' car with Marielle and Julienne on the way to Rob. 
• We walked around the Citywalk for a few minutes. Then, we had a fulfilling lunch at Mooon Cafe. I let Marielle pick out my food and she was basically nagging me to eat more.....like a mother. lol. 
• Headed off to Toys "R" Us where we fooled around with the action figures and masks and stuff. I helped Marielle pick out toys and she ended up buying Rowdy, the cute green dump truck and a Winnie the Pooh Techdeck. Lol. 
• Went off to buy tickets to watch the Hunger Games....again. Marielle's search for a text mate through the raffle coupon box. Killed time in Taters. 
• Hunger Games again! I actually liked the movie. In fact, the first time I watched it, my eyes got a bit watery the first few minutes into the movie. I probably felt overwhelmed because even though, I felt like I had lost interest in it, I hadn't realized that I was actually unconsciously waiting for the movie to come out, but then, the second time, I started to realize how fast the games seemed in the movie. Rue :( 
• Marielle kept talking to me during the movie, but I didn't mind at all :) 
• 31 Korea! We missed you, Kim Chi! 
• I think we were all broke at this point, so we resorted to strolling around, going wherever our feet would take us. 
• Marielle invited me to dinner. I am a socially awkward penguin. I know you probably won't see this, but thanks, Mar! :)
• I had a lovely time. Thank to these lovely people! >:D< 
• I am home and my legs feel like falling off, but the day was worthwhile so I don't mind at all. 

You know how you can't exactly write with both your left and right hands at the same time?
Or  how you can't use both a spoon and a fork with only one hand?
Or maybe, how the right shoe wouldn't fit the left foot and the left shoe wouldn't fit the right?
Or maybe how you simply cannot listen to two different songs at once?

Well, it's in those mundane & uninteresting things that I see how it really is. Impossible.

Impossible....yet, bearable.


No, forget it.  You know what? It's not even bearable anymore. It's stupid and sick and twisted and I feel crushed. It's not bearable. It never was. But I'm putting up with it, or trying to look like I am.   And I know how stupid that sounds! It's not bearable so how can you put up with it? Because I have to! Because sometimes, all you can do is wait and watch and listen no matter how painful it runs through your senses and reaches the core of your thoughts and your emotions. Because I have to. Because I have to. Because I have to.

Blogging is just not the same anymore. 

Or maybe life isn't as interesting. 

Or maybe I'm upset but I'm tired of being upset and I'm tired of writing about being upset

Or maybe there are just things that I cannot say

Ah, whatever. 

Blogging is just not the same anymore.