This blog is dead. I don't know when it'll come alive again but it's dead. For now, it is.

• Your idea of normal stings a bit. Stings like all those jellyfishes and hydras that we've been studying in Biology. 
• One more month of swallowing down everything. One more month, but I don't want it to end for the sheer possibilities of  people becoming strangers the following year. The idea of building up walls of security again and demolishing them to let people in  again exhausts me. The mere idea of it. 
• I feel alone, too.
• I need someone to understand me, too.
• I overthink, too. And I hurt myself by all the thoughts that form in my mind.
• And I think this year, this whole year has broken and destroyed me quite a bit. Academic stress and all the whirlwinds inside. 
• Laughter is like a drug, for me now. I'm drowning myself in laughter. 
• I'm not exactly thriving, but I guess I've mastered the art of faking it through. I've mastered the art of anger management through boring holes on my Math scratch paper. 
• Sometimes, I don't know where I stand. Sometimes, I feel a bit worthless. 
• I just have these influxes of anger inside me, all in little clusters. 
• I want to barf.
• I've been so happy these past two days. 
• On the edge happy. Like someone might take away that temporary happiness.
• And someone will.
• Tomorrow will.
• Tomorrow might be better.
• Or tomorrow might be your robber. 
• Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is, surely. And I have to be real about this. Pessimistic, yes, but it's almost like an instinct, or that pull in the gut. I know the feeling. Tomorrow will be my robber. 
• I have God. God understands me. Everything has a reason. He listens to me. Yes, I have God and the security of my blanket tonight. 
• And if tears may fall, they'll catch the freefall. 
• I'll follow this up with blank posts. Just because. Just because. Just because.
• </3
• hey, cheer me up. 

I'm constantly struck by the fear of losing people, being alone, ending up unloved and uncared for.

I read a book.

And I guess that's nothing interesting at all.

But I haven't read a book in such a long time that at first, I didn't understand anything, not a single word. I had to read the same line over and over again. Then, I just wanted to suck all the words into my system. I wanted to devour them like a ravenous animal thriving in the wild. I miss books. I miss reading. I miss writing. I don't know how to do so anymore.

Tuck Everlasting. This whole idea of immortality in it and the author's simple way of spreading the plot out in front of the reader. Let's see how this plays out for me.
Yes, classified as a children's book. I am a child.

Thank you. I'm sorry. Take care. 

I'll be sleeping with a smile on my face tonight :)

• You trigger all the anger, the hatred, the pain in my heart to stir. I know, I know. It's my fault. I expected too much. As messed up as we all are, at some point, we all need to realize that you can never always be the special one. 
• Every time you mention that, I feel that tinge of regret pulling at my heartstrings, but I know I can never give in to that. At the same time, I know it'll never be what I'd expect to be. Never, now that everything's fixed and everything's fine and everyone's happy.
• Wasn't that what I wanted, though? Seeing people happy even though I'm breaking inside, even though I have to stretch myself out? Isn't that what I wanted to see? 
• Yes, yes. Be happy. Do what you want. Have a good life. Smile. Life is too short to waste on pessimism. I'll be here. I'll listen. 
• Pessimism. Does saying that make me a hypocrite? I am a pessimist, after all, but I guess I'm saying that out of experience. How I'm in too deep and can never completely ward off negativity from my life. How I can never successfully delude myself and cling on to reality like a lifeline. And maybe it is. A lifeline, I mean. I'm scared of losing myself. I'm scared of losing my grip. I'm scared of drowning in fantasies and false hopes and temporary euphoria, just like I have done a million times before. 
• I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of death and it's power to strip you away of all the people you hold close. I'm not scared of dying but I wonder what the unknown has in store for me after the life I've lived. Death doesn't appeal to me so much but I;m fascinated. I've never lost anyone to death before. Anyone who matters to me. I hope I never do. I hope I can spare them from death with my own life. One thing I've vowed never to give in to, though, is suicide. No matter how messed up my life may be. No matter how many times I break myself into pieces, I'll never take away my life, because just as I am scared to lose, I don't want to induce the same fear, the same excruciating pain to those people who care for me. I know I feel unloved and alone, all the time, but life reminds me sometimes, that I'm not. That it's my own dysfunctional self imposing those emotions and there are always people, several and a few, who also hold me and my memories close. Sometimes, I'm just too blind to see it. 
• I'm back, blogspot. I'm back with my rants. I've got no elephants, though. Never had any. 

It' so easy to fake happiness. It's easier to say everything's fine rather than explain  how things work inside your head. It's easier to lie than to face than the complications. It's so easier to say it's going to be okay even when you know it's not going to be. Everything is easy but everything hurts.

Everything as easy as listening to happy songs to numb your feelings. Doesn't always work but it's worth a try.

Someone Like You - Matt Wertz

Stranger - Chris August

Things I'd rather say in a useless blog post

• I feel lonely. I'll die alone in the end anyway. What's the difference?
• Life is not fair. It'll never be, but as human as we are, we expect it to be. 
• I know I'm difficult. I know I'm complicated but you mean so much to me and I hope you never leave.
• Although if you do, I won't hold you back. Just go and have a good life. 
• I'm not suicidal or anything, but thoughts of completely disappearing can't help but cross my mind every now and then. I would've cut off my life a long time ago but there are simply too many people that matter. Too many people I can't leave. Too many people whom I'd rather would leave me behind. I'd rather be left than find myself leaving. 
• Too much attachment. Too much hurt.
• Less attachment. Less hurt.
• The heck. I can't do that. I'm way too emotionally attached.
• Clandestine attachments. 
• "I know I'm crying. That's only cause I'm caring."
• Every single day, I feel things I shouldn't feel.
• Everything hurts. Everyday hurts. 

I think I'm giving up on this. It doesn't help a bit anymore.