The disappointed "oh"

The oh-now-I-get-it "oh"

The "oh" that usually precedes a profanity or something relatively similar

The shocked and startled "oh" 

The "oh" that is followed up with an awkward pause

The trying-to-sound-cheerful-to-hide-broken-expectations "oh"

I think I've had my fair share of disappointed and trying-to-sound-cheerful "oh"s 

I am sad and I am lonely. Sure, everyone is sad, too. Sure, everyone's lonely as well...but, as for me, I can't figure out why. I feel this tug in my chest, like I'm waiting for something to leap out from the shadows and inject me with happiness. 

I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. 

And that's the worst part. 

Or maybe you really could get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. 

Let's pretend you asked how my Sunday went. 

Well, Sunday morning was horrible. Except breakfast. Food lightens everything up. 

Sunday afternoon was spent cruising around, visiting my newborn cousin and going places. 

Meet JJ. 

 I hope you don't get caught up in the tangled web of life this early. 

I hope you don't hear your parents shouting as they fight, not even the hushed arguments. 

I hope you enjoy your childhood years no matter how messed up the present times are. 

I hope you get to know family in its truest and most genuine definition. 

I hope you receive the warmest of hugs and the sweetest of kisses. 

I hope you grow up to be strong and lovely. 

Welcome to the world. 

Happy Birthday! 

☺

 I think I'm going to stock up on art supplies this summer. 

 And, I've got 2 seasons of PLL to watch. Life is good. 

Sunday evening was spent on loneliness, laughs, curses and watercolor.

And I couldn't sleep at all, even at 1 am. Even when my dad started shouting and cursing and threatening me because I was still on the phone. Even when I switched off all the lights. Even when I had collapsed helplessly on my bed. Even when I hugged my pillow and forced my eyes shut. 

And I felt this sense of loneliness run deep within me and I couldn't trace its roots, where it came from. I tossed and turned and cried until I found myself sitting up, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth, and whispering my troubles to the darkness who listened silently, patiently and without judgment. My sanity was in question, but I lost myself to slumber, finally. 

What a shame. My parents had to ruin the call. It was nice to finally talk to someone who would understand and listen after this horrible day. Thanks for ruining the night, lovely parents with your lovely mouths sputtering out degrading curses. 

Anyways, I can't sleep but I have to pretend I have to. What a fucking shit of a life this is. I am sad. 

Nothing important

• Piano Recital tomorrow and I don't feel a thing. Although, I'm sure I'll deal with a severe case of nerves and trembling fingers tomorrow. Oh dear. Wish me luck. Hope I don't trip down the stairs.
• Aw, I probably won't know anyone there, so I'll resort to sinking down in a quiet corner, keep a straight face, and die a little inside. 
• HOLY MACARONI ( or as Chryss would say: holy bamboo shoots!!!! ) THEY JUST POSTED  A PHOTO OF ME ON TWITTER SMILING LIKE A LOONY LUNATIC. Oh, that squishy barbarian-slash-dwarf-slash-gorgeous woman of a Frances, who probably won't see this but I don't really care.  *poke ∞ ∞*  
• T'was funny. 
• But....................................................................... oh well. 
• Aha, I'm trying to dampen my anger towards you, push it down a little. 
• I'm serious. You irk me. I don't know why, but you do. 
• I'm getting sleepy. Can you all please leave me in peace with the silence of the night so I can hammer my emotions unto these black and white keys?
• thou shall not ruin the song or the artist
• Ok, have the sweetest of dreams. Sleep tight. 

Thank you for making me smile. 

I'm better off with things that make me smile. 

Or people that make me smile. 

I still think I'm losing myself. 


I hope you don't overuse that expression. Please. 

Miss You - Ed Sheeran

"Shock, horror, I'm down

Lost, you're not around"

"My mind shuts sound out

I'm on autopilot"

"These words mean nothing to me 

I'm just in on a fence of how it used to be"

"I don't know when I lost my mind

Maybe when I made you mine"

Maybe it was every time 

That you said

 "I miss you. More than I let on. "

Thoughts: 

Truth is, up until now, every time I see those things, evidences of what has happened the whole year, I feel like bursting into a million apologies. 

I'm sorry if I ruined things, if I messed things up. 

Please let the night be as silent as it is after the rain. 

I don't mind those questions, really, just as long as I'm not obliged to answer them. 

THOU SHALL NOT RUIN THE SONG. THOU SHALL NOT OR LIGHTNING WILL STRIKE UPON YOU FROM THE HEIGHTS OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING WHERE OLYMPUS IS SITUATED IN THE PRESENT TIMES AND THOU SHALL FEEL THE WRATH OF ALL THE GODS COMBINED. 

*cue thunder* 

I'm not sure why I suddenly associated this with Percy Jackson. It just seemed appropriate, that's all.  But please, I'm begging you, every single  one of you, please don't ruin any more songs for me. 

Joy, stop yourself. Stop yourself. Stop yourself from screaming. Stop yourself and don't even go there. Joy, please. I'm begging you. Spare yourself from hurt. Spare yourself from all that bullshit. Spare yourself from falling back into that dreadful pit of loneliness that you had to fall into, that large lump in your throat and the tears that fell when you collapsed on your bed. Just freaking stop yourself now, or deal with it your whole life until you learn to let go and move, until you learn to stop caring, until your memory fails you. 

Delete that from your fucking history. 

Hazy - Rosi Golan & William Fitzsimmons 

"What if I fall and hurt myself?

Would you know how to fix me

What if I went and lost myself?

Would you know where to find me

If I forgot who I am, 

Would you please remind me? 

Cause without you, things go hazy"

Another lovely song for you ♥

Thoughts:

I'm missing my friends this early in the summer. 

If last school year was about conquering first impressions, risking to open myself up to people, offering friendly smiles, turning new faces to familiar ones, building up these small friendships and shaking myself awake from my silent judgments, then I guess this year was about  blinking hard several times until all the haze and the fog cleared up and knowing the ones who were true and who weren't, the ones who were worthy of vulnerable trust, the ones best kept at a distance. 

It was about struggling and feeling lonely and crying yourself to sleep at night and feeling numb the next day. 

It was being surrounded by all the lovely people you wanted to hold close. 

It was all the words you couldn't say. 

It was about feeling indifferent and numb and feeling all the wrong emotions and struggling to feel something, missing the lovely loneliness.

It was a matter of caring and not caring and all in all, maybe it might seem stupid, but if pure stupidity means keeping all the bittersweet memories and even the permanent stains, I guess, I'd put up with it. 

Or maybe, I'm just feeling a bit nostalgic and sad that I have to close another chapter and enter another one. Time is running too fast and sometimes, I feel like I'm caught up in its blur. You close your eyes and pray for the sweetest dreams you can dream and suddenly, the whole world lights up and the next morning has arrived and  you don't remember anything for a moment until you realize you've woken up to the same old reality again. 

Striped and Fortified

Here's how the last half-day of school and the first half-day of the summer went for me: 

• Filipino and Math exam. I'd choose not to talk about it but............to put it into extremes, I think I kind of failed my Math exam, in my standards. 20 points. 20 freaking points for graphing. 
• On the bright side, IT'S SUMMER. No more academic stress. Although, I still don't know what to feel. My Social Studies teacher, one of the few I actually like, is leaving. Darn it. Not to mention the fact that.........................Yes, let us not mention that fact. 
• I will miss you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you. Especially you. Yes, you too.  I will miss the townspeople, and the unnecessary drama and the meet-ups that were, more often than not, up to no good. I will miss the fooling around,  the inside jokes, the cramming, the phone calls, and the little spats. I will miss a lot of things. I'll even miss Biology. 
• Enough of that ^ 
• A bit of drama, a lot of laughs and eager smiles, subtle goodbyes and a fair amount of hugs before leaving school for the summer.
• Meet my lovely and striped FORTIfriends :) Words cannot express how grateful I am that, until now, we're still this tight and I know a meager "Thank you" cannot sum everything up.           

• Lunch at Pizza Hut + Friday +Abstinence = No pizza for me. Aw :( Pasta, it is, then. 
• Corazon. One word: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• ^Does that count as one word, though? 
• Loads of fun and noise at Picture City. The old people were shooting daggers at us. Haha.

• A worthwhile conversation with Chryss over dinner at Mcdo and tagging along at SM with my mother who apparently, had the itch to go shopping. 
• Sleepover with Chryssie. Stomachache & hyperventilation induced by laughing too hard at our group photos; chasing the ever so hyper Mushu ; camwhoring ; failed attempts at a proper vlog; drifting off to sleep while watching films; word games where we subtly cheated each other; scaring ourselves at the possibility that someone or something might knock on the window or on the bathroom door; laughing till we both fell into slumber. 

They're both so cute :3 

• We miserably failed at staying up late, despite the chocolate bars and candy we were wolfing down, that were supposed to rattle us awake. 
• And.....here's the vlog. I look like a drunk zombie. I doubt anybody can stand watching this. Too much unnecessary laughing. 

Elena Tonra (currently called Daughter) - Took Your Breath Away

"And it hurts like love

But I'm not sure if it hurts enough

So, you move me

So, I almost fall

If I just disappeared, would you even notice at all? 

Well, no

I don't think so. "

This song has lovely lyrics, don't you think? 

Sleep tight and please have the sweetest of dreams for me. 

How's your day?

• My Sunday went absolutely...swell. And with that, I'm exaggerating. It was crappy. Except for the little in-between whatnots that made me laugh and smile. 
• I had to wake up at 6 am. 6 freaking am to abide by Sunday family tradition. 
• On the bright side, this is the first carefree Sunday I've had in long, long time.
• In other news, my dad's office mate died. She fell in the hands of cancer and I hope she rests in peace. 
• I don't like hearing about death. I've never lost anyone I love to death before and I hope I never, ever do, but I guess at some point of our lives, we have to accept the fact that death will seize us and we will perish without any chances to open our eyes and say the words left unsaid, or give the hugs we forgot to give, or solve the businesses we failed to finish. 
• My mom tagged me along to places, fitting me into frilly dresses for my piano recital. It was absolute torture as I was eager to collapse on any flat surface, curl up and fall into slumber for even just a meager 10 minutes. 
• But the rest of the afternoon was lazy but lovely. 
• Snippets of you. 
• I met a friend online. He's really nice. I like nice people. Nice people online are rare. 
• Do you have any idea how happy I was about those things? Of course, you don't, because I never told you.
• I believe I started summer right, becoming Striped and FORTIfied with my lovely, lovely Fortifriends. And the batch party where I magnificently got chased, carried and thrown into the pool. Buckets of fun that was. Blog-worthy. Also, the vlog that Chryss and I made should be up soon. Not that anyone cares but...yeah, I'll stop rambling now. 

State the obvious, this post has probably bore you to death.

hi.

I'm back. The peculiar child is back. The rants are back. The elephants are back.