Notes to you all

• Dear parents,
• Won't you ever try to understand me? Is this all that you'll ever gonna do? Curse me? Shout at me? Get mad at me? Meddle with my privacy? You stick your head in my business every five minutes for staying up so late. Well, you know why my eyes are still open at 2 am in the morning and my nose is still stuck in a book? You know why? Of course you don't. I'm trying to squeeze my life for motivation because you're never going to give me any. And everyday, I'm striving to feel, at least, happy but you throw me back and I always find myself swimming in pessimism everyday and darn it, I am so tired of this. I hope you'd at least try to understand your only child 'cause really, you are the last people I see before I sleep and the first when I wake up and I just hope that whenever I close my eyes at night and open them in the morning, I'll at least have some kind of reassurance that I'll have someone to run back to when I feel lonely or alone or mad or angry or anxious or scared. 
• Dear people who matter and to those who don't,
• I have a long list of reasons to hate you. You. You. Yes, you. But since I can't hate you all, I'll just hate myself.
• Dear God, 
• It's December. The only thing I want this Christmas is happiness. Not the superficial kind. I've been feeling really down lately. And lonely. And alone. And if I don't feel those things during the day, they all come barricading down on me at night when I'm alone. All those worries and fears  eat me up. 
• Dear Birth Month,
• Please be kind to me. I feel like I've wasted half of the year. I have the urge to repeat that song lyric over and over and over again like a mantra. But no. "No regrets, just love" ? That's not even true. Please please please at least be bearable to me. Please make me laugh. Please make me smile. Please let me sleep peacefully. Please? Please? Please. 
• Dear People's Expectations,
• F you. Nobody will ever understand how much I really really hate living up to your standards but I feel like I'm in too deep. I feel like I have to. So just f you.

• Dear You, 
• Yes, you. You've reached this part. You probably went through all of that^ shit, didn't you? I'm sorry. Thank you. 

You and I, eating apple pies

1. Everyone's singing this song
2. It's catchy.
3. It's better than the original auto-tuned version
4. Chryss and I altered the lyrics. Apple pies. 
5. You and me, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Also, thank God for November 30. This day has been spent sleeping. Sigh. 

I lost it.

I felt the urge to write while walking around the mall with my mom. I held on to it while listening to old songs in the car and mentally singing along. I held on to it until I reached home. It was then when I rushed to my room for refuge, when I lost it, unconsciously let it go as another deep emotion engulfed me. Everything was different. Things weren't in their usual places. All the secrets I buried in every corner of my room was gone and that horrible recipe of paranoia and rage made me want to vomit all over.

I had it right there, at the tip of my fingertips. The urge to write and pour all my thoughts out doesn't come easily to me. It's not everyday that I actually have the time to do so. Now, that I did have it, right there, way within my reach, something happens and I lose it. I struggle to get it back. 11:49 pm and still nothing. This is hopeless. If only I could turn back time and insert some twist in the past.

Now, I'm as uninspired as my conventional everyday self. That's not a good thing. I know when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be forced to deal with schoolwork. I won't have the time anymore. I won't have that certain pull in the gut anymore.

A few frustrations

• I am terribly frustrated for your sake. Why do you create such horrible situations for yourself? Why do you completely delude yourself in them? And then you resort to futile rants about those things and feeling terribly crappy and looking all gloomy and scary? Dude, please, halloween is over. Stop wearing your mask and  get over all those thoughts that clutter your mind and for once, just leave things the way they are. 
• ^And that's coming from someone like me. Psh, and they call me pessimistic. 
• ^Pffft. What did you just say, Joy? 

• Here comes the "I don't make sense" part. 

• ANYWAYS
• MY 
• MOM
• REARRANGED
• MY
• ROOM

• Just when I was just getting used to it. 
• EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT 
• Psh, but really. 
• I was too tired to get mad. 
• I was too tired to throw a fit.
• I was too tired to remain furious.
• So I just cried. 

• And I got tired of crying for the violation of my privacy
• So I ended up being THIS incoherent

• I think that song about apple pies got me high
• And I don't even eat apple pies.

• To make up for all these useless, senseless ramblings, here's a nice song:

• NO WAIT BEFORE I GET TO THAT^ 
• SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP 
• YOU ARE TOO OBVIOUS
• LEARN TO BE DISCREET WHEN YOU TRY TO HIT PEOPLE WITH THAT STATEMENT, AT THE VERY LEAST

• Ok, here are two songs: 

I was tempted to post some heavy metal cause that's how stupid and mad and insane and angry I feel at the moment. 

This is as close as I can get: 

And it always comes back to Joe Brooks

Because his red hair is adorable

And that hint of an accent.

Misplaced trust and old friends

I have mixed feelings about this.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. It bothers me.

I'm very lucky...

...to have friends like Chryss and Janina. Probably the only two people in the whole world who can read me that well, who will always know there's something wrong, who will always try to cheer me up and keep my mind off all those shitty things. I love you, guys.

Just like that.

I've figured it all out.

• Strike 1: It will always be the left choice. The right choice is only an alternative when the left doesn't abide by its correct functions. 
• Strike 2: The sun on that side of the world will always be outshining the sun on this side. At least that's what those two orbs see and the voice box says.
• Strike 3: She is just a book and nothing more.
• And you're out: She knows that the clock will go tick tock. She knows that the sun will set at the end of the day. Although, when the sun sets and when the night comes and the lamps all run out of oil to burn, she won't be able to see in the dark and the dark scares her.

You will never understand my logic. Don't even try. 

Oh no.

That's it. I've said it. It's out there in the open.  I was just blurting out words that formed in my mind and oh god no. Oh no.

You know how everyone believes that things shouldn't be left unsaid? Well, I believe in that, too. It's just that I find it so hard to say what I want to say to people, to let them know what I want them to know, even though it's about how much they mean to me. I'm that difficult. And when it finally comes to the point that it's out in the open and reality hits me that I've blurted out something that I shouldn't , I feel sick to the stomach. I'm scared of the pain that awaits me when the words you said won't mean anything to that person just like I'm scared of losing a friend.

Also, I'd rather be bleeding inside, I'd endure all that hurt and stay silent than point out how someone hurt me. I'd rather let that someone go on and have a happy life. Especially if that person matters.


And with that said, I realize that I've just figured out something about myself. Thanks.

Just because.

I'm just really really really tired of everything. 

And with this, I rest my case. 

...And the guilt sets in

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ok? I don't understand the current situation. I don't understand myself. I don't understand anything. 


It's complicated and I know you have a lot to deal with and -- Ugh. Just forget it. Forget me. Forget everything.

And to think I felt so free for the most part of the day. I wasn't free at all. I wasn't. I was numb. I didn't feel anything.

*poof*

Untitled.

She was blown out of the sky 

By the strong zephyr winds

She fell into the deep ocean waters

The deep icy pits

Salt met the wounds

Exposed the scars

And life,

Dear life,

Flashed before her eyes

She drowned in the trenches

Never to be found

She died. 

Something to look forward to:

I think....

....I've been posting too much personal stuff in my blog. But really, isn't that why I made one?

 It's hard to find someone to pour out your feelings to. There's no guarantee that they'll care, that it's not just mere curiosity, that they'll always be there to stay. The ones you want to talk to are usually the ones who don't really listen. And since, schoolwork is devouring up much of my time, I, at least, can sneak in a blog post or two 'cause I'm mighty afraid that I have imposed some feelings of abandonment on my poor journal. This is the very least I can do to ease my dysfunctional nature: rant, rant, rant, rant and rant. 

And I was thinking putting this blog on public domain, I would learn to be open about my thoughts, not drown in them, but the only feeling that's dominating my mind right now is paranoia. Paranoia. Paranoia. Paranoia. Paranoia. Paranoia. 

Well, so much for that. 

So Janina left....

....and I was walking, sipping my Zagu, desperately scouting the vicinity for some familiar faces and at the same time pondering if I should call my mom cause all I really wanted to do at that moment was curl up and sob heavy, deep, noisy sobs and sleep forever and a day.

That's when I saw Leanne. I sat beside her. We talked. But then she left, too....and guess what?

I was left with Mitz.
Mitz, that odd, quiet girl.
Mitz, who is always a mystery to the people around her.
Mitz, whom I've never, ever talked to.

Mitz, whom everyone laughs at.

I was expecting awkward silences and such things but surprisingly, she was very easy to talk to. Better than those shallow people that dominate the whole world at present. Better than most people I know. Not that I know a lot but yes, you get my point.

And if you're reading this post to laugh at me for saying all these as if the funniest thing in the world, then HAHAHAHA YOU ARE FUNNY. GOODBYE.

I just don't want to judge people anymore.

This is a long blog post.

• Maybe I should be happy for myself, 'cause at least now I have a reason to stay away. Temporarily, anyway. Mostly, I’m just sad, mad and ashamed of myself.

• I don’t want to be blamed for something I didn’t really do. I don’t care about reputation and all those shit. I don’t care about keeping up an image and I’m gradually learning to stay unaffected by what people think of me. But when something you didn’t even do is dropped upon your shoulders, it’s different.  I hate to break the trust people have for me. It’s a terrible feeling that washes over me and forms a lump in my throat and just makes me want to vomit all over. 

• Also, I feel so stupid. And that stupid English policy that should exempt pissed people cause pissed people aren’t really aware of what they’re saying especially pissed insane people….

 …..like me. Now I have no ID and I have to go up and claim it tomorrow morning and damn, this is such a hassle.

• I feel alone in that noisy classroom with everyone’s loud voices overwhelming me and breaking through my thoughts. Alone. Friendless. I don’t know.

• I’m almost tempted to just intentionally disappear into thin air. I hope you get the context of that statement ‘cause I will never properly address the real sense of that.  Not almost. I am tempted and if it weren’t for that stubborn realist inside my head, screaming….well…… 

And really, I have no guts to do that. They say that you should never run away from your problems or else you’re considered a coward. Does this make me brave now?  

• I’m tired of the drama. Maybe I shouldn’t even be affected about that. Maybe it doesn’t even concern me. But I’m just really really tired. Tired of hearing all the shouting. Tired of feeling like I’m on my tiptoes, on the tip of the iceberg and suddenly, that tip might break off and I’ll fall into the deep icy waters and try to swim but drown instead.

• It’s not about the elf.

• Why do these things happen to me?

• I’ve been praying so hard. So hard. For things to go right for me. Even for just one mere day. One mere happy day, not having anything to worry about. But look. Look where it brought me. Look at my life and the conflicts I have with myself that nobody knows about. Look at my dysfunctional thoughts and retarded pessimism.  

Maybe if I cry all of these out, I’ll feel numb and when I do, I’ll get the delusion that everything will be alright tomorrow and come to the point when I just repeat the saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” That always fuels me up. A bit, anyway.

This is me.

GPOY SO MUCH. But guess what? 

EVERYTHING'S FINE. 

Even though it's really not.

But still. 

That's it.

I don't want to hang around anymore. I don't want to expect so much. I hate that feeling but it's grown on me.
Do you know how hard it is to deal with those instances everyday? To just be standing right there 'cause there's nothing you can really do?



But darn it, do you know how hard it is to keep distance from those...those...invisible completely breakable walls? Darn it. I know I might not make sense to you but I make sense to myself and I might as well be considered insane but I don't care. 

:(

Am I the only person to call? I want to help but I'm sorry, guys, it's burning me out :(

kbye.

Oh sige na, sige na. You're better na.

THIS IS SHIT OK SHIT.

AAAAAAAAAARGH. STUPID BOOK REPORT. STUPID PUNCHER. STUPID HOLES. STUPID MARKER SMUDGE. STUPID THIS STUPID THAT STUPID EVERYTHING STUPID ME.

What a hassle.

Warning: Boring irrelevant post

Back Cover Summary, Favorite Part and Comments. That's all I need to print out and design for this book report. Now, if you don't mind I'll deprive myself of sleep and study Social Studies and Biology. But first..... CAAAAAKE.

I love Mulan.

Mulan makes me happy.

Oops. That was Pocahontas. 

She makes me happy, too. 

coconuts, peanuts and NAT

For those who have no clue of what NAT is, it stands for National Achievement Test and all 2nd year students on the face of this country are required to take this test to save the reputation of their school. No, I'm kidding. But really.

So I just bought a NAT reviewer. My grades are at stake and I can't just let these futile NAT reviews drown me. It pisses me off that they have to record all our pre-tests and post-tests and all those stupid tests but I can't just keep on guessing and guessing and chanting eenie meenie miney mo everytime I'm stumped, can I? 

Really, though, I think they're doing this for the school's reputation or else we won't be as classy and academically inclined as the people of this town expects us to be. Is that what they're scared of?

Psh. I'm not insulting the school. This just plain sucks. Admit it. It does suck. Whatever. I'll go listen to some Disney songs. 

Also,

I have an obsession of jotting down every detail of my day in my journal and I haven't written in my journal in a long long time and it makes me unhappy to think about that so I won't think about that as of this moment because I want to feel happy.

However,

 I need to make my book report even though it does not make happy because it's for  my grades and good grades make me happy.

cause it makes me happy

No, Mother, I will not clean my room because that does not make me happy.

I will blog because it makes me happy.

I will listen to happy songs to make myself happy.

I will read this weird book about Sammy Keyes and the Curse of Mustache Mary because it makes me happy.

I will play my guitar and sing along because it makes me happy. 

Pop that dream cloud

I am once again frustrated with myself. There are only a few things that I actually like to do, only a few things that make me happy but even then, frustrations still seem to overwhelm me. There will always be someone better, someone who is good enough, someone who reaches the standards and I will always be second best. Or third. Or fourth. Or 1000000th. I don't dream big. I just want to attain self-fulfillment and happiness.

I'm tired of faking happiness and forcing smiles and striving to be better. Things just don't lighten up for me like they do to some lucky ones.

The world is full of beautiful things.

This is a rare statement. I'm usually very pessimistic, as you may have noticed. I still am.

But on the bright side... 

I saw a perfectly arched rainbow across the dull, gray sky of nimbus clouds just before it rained. I don't  really fancy rainbows and unicorns and cupcakes and fairies but I see real, beautiful rainbows about five times a decade so...yeah. I saw a flock of birds zooming by. I saw a nice city sunset and the clouds were just magnificent. Also, I love this burger I am munching on. Yes, that's pretty much it.

The world is beautiful and this has been such a positive post that I think I'll just go make a separate post for my usual after-school rant. 

Yup. 

I am glad.

This afternoon has been spent reuniting with an old friend. 

At first it was a handful of awkward silences and the lack of topics but the atmosphere that surrounded us eventually warmed up and not long after, we were talking and laughing like old friends.

And I guess we are old friends but that's all we're ever going to be. Friends. A friendship best kept at a distance. 

Somehow, I feel lighthearted that I was able to keep a conversation with her, even though it was about school. I did however get a hint of what her life is like right now. She tells me that she is wary of the fact that people make fun of her and her friends. There will always be people smirking, laughing, whispering, snickering behind their backs. That appealed to me so much. It hit me. I had been doing that since then without even knowing the reason behind things, the background story. I'm sorry. 

I'm glad she's happy. That's nice to know. 

Also, it's my mom's birthday. Happy birthday, Ma. I love you. 

I am happy. A little.

For some reason, my chest doesn't feel as heavy as it usually does. I actually feel a bit....happy? But every time that feeling comes, there's usually that hint of...........something I can't describe. Some gentle force of negativity pulling me away. My brain perceives it as some kind of warning or premonition. Or maybe it's plain pessimism.

It reminds me not to get my hopes up, though. At the very least, it does serve a purpose. 

I hate this feeling.

I always try to cushion my fall with pessimism. It never works.

Sigh. 

Misanthropy

I am terribly annoyed by everyone. I am angry and sad and frustrated. 

And scared and anxious.

Nobody cares, anyway. 

Hahahaha shit. 

This blog has nothing worth reading.

I SWEAR. 

Please don't read this.

I just....I can't .... I don't know. 

After I heard that, my heart sank. I know I could've said something that could've changed that. It doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to end that way. It doesn't have to be a dead end 'cause there is an alternative. 

But I couldn't bear to say that. Not after things have gone back to normalcy. Everything's fine. I shouldn't have to break that fixed atmosphere. You're happy. Everyone's happy. It's alright. I don't think I fully understand yet but I 'll act like I do.

I'm just sad, ok? And this just made it worse but it's ok. I'll just go listen to happy songs. 

I don't make sense, I know. Who cares? No one. Everything's fine. 

"I'm not that strong cause I'm no supermaaaaan." Hello, Joe Brooks.  

This is the kind of post I write in my journal. I miss my journal. Damn it. 

Because it gives me good vibes and makes me happy

I don't make sense, I know.

• I feel scared. Stating it some other way would give away the reason why. A whole bunch of what ifs are swimming through my mind. It's quite horrible. 
• That cliche "alone in a crowded room". The feeling is so familiar. I know it so well, and I've felt it way more than I should. 
• I've come to thinking that when it comes down to picking out my true friends, I've only got two. I have friends I care so much for, that I can't stand to permanently hate them no matter how much I get hurt; I have friends, yes, but I have no guarantee whatsoever that they'll stick by me. To all the rest, I feel just like a mere ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. 
• I can't help but feel alone sometimes. The lonely kind of alone.
• I've worked my butt off in school, sleep-deprived and shit, but it's never a big deal to my parents anymore. You're happy for me? That's it? It's quite frustrating. From now on, I won't expect anything. From now on, I'm doing this for myself. I don't care if I wear myself out 'cause it's when I feel like I have nothing to live for, I remind myself that I still have my grades to run to. It makes me feel that I'm at least worth something. It's stupid, I know. 
•  I lack motivation. I  need a goal to reach. 
• I'm never going to be good enough. It's shallow to think that I might not be good enough for other people's standards. Shit, why would I even care? But even to myself, I seem that way. 
• Joy is sad. Incorrect statement. Thanks, Jan. 
• Weekend, please don't fly by so fast. 
• Aaah, I love Biology, ok? Please don't take that away from me. 

11:11 - 11/11/11

I don't believe in 11:11. Usually. 

But I've realized that 11/11/11 will only come once in my whole life so I might as well make the most of it.

So if you don't mind, I'll confine myself to my room and think things through ,and listen to sad songs and list down my 11 wishes that I hope with all my heart, will come true.

Good night. See ya. 

I had a lot on my mind but as usual, Friday night was spend on silly phone calls, giddy phone calls, serious phone calls and the world wide web but failed to do so. 

In short, I was supposed to type an extremely pessimistic blog post about how I thought my life sucked. 

1 minute to 1

12:59 am and I'm still up, painstakingly finishing the content of my book report, and while I'm at it, Ed Sheeran is on loop, keeping me company and I'm jamming to it in my own boring, geeky way. 

I swear this song makes me want to jump around and dance.....even though, I don't dance. 

I don't know, it's catchy. 

Good night, www. 

Random thoughts on a Sunday night

Second to the last day of health break, second to the last day of  staying up late, of wasting time, of free-willed thinking. 

I spent the night doing some undercover work with a friend. *wink*

 Tomorrow, I plan to work my butt off. I just want to finish things. My mind seems used to cramming now. Unhealthy cramming that deprive me of sleep. 

I like to stay up late,though. I feel like sleep makes me miss out on things and as far as I know, I've already missed out on a lot. Not that there's anything interesting happening in my life but I'm keeping watch. 

My mind is alive when everyone else is asleep. 

I have to get back to my book report now. Shush, I don't care if the deadline is ages away. I just want to get things done so I'll at least feel accomplished that I did something this health break.

I'm not sleeping. Not until I finish this. 

Damn, I still can't describe people. Fictional people. I'm running low on descriptive adjectives and such. 

Shine

I hope you find the love that’s true, so the morning light can shine on you
I hope you find what you’re looking for, so your heart is warm for ever more

It's one of those songs that feel like home. 

Words of a teenage escapist.: Sky Series.

Words of a teenage escapist.: Sky Series.: Fucking shit my eyes are crying tears of joy. Click on this. You won't regret it. CLICK THIS.

Last night

I could've stayed up all night. It was then when I smelled burning candles that I decided otherwise.

I suck at this.

Believe me, I really really do.

names, names

Reneé (n) - renaissance; rebirth


     I haven't acknowledged my first name at all. I had never pondered on it as I had always been called by my second name. Also, named after my dad, I had always acted like I despised that name so as not to give him any form of flattery ,which I know, he would later on rub to my face in his gentle, fatherly manner.
 
   Somehow, I guess, it's that occasional need to escape from being who you are that pushed me. Like initiating a new beginning but not completely. Having a bit of minor alteration in your identity even though it applies only in the world wide web, in a blog, filled with useless ramblings and frustrations in almost every field of life, that will probably go unnoticed for its whole lifespan. Mostly it's just a matter of wanting to escape, sometimes.

    I'm still Joy, though. Plain, old, boring Joy who has no life whatsoever, only frustrations.

Well...

     I've realized that I've abandoned every single blog I made. Let's see if I break the record and at least  dedicate a minute fraction of my time to this one.

    Now, if you don't mind, I shall confine myself to the four walls of my room and ponder on this book report which, may I just state, I strongly despise. Maybe because I'm having a difficult time giving depth to my descriptions of the fictional characters. I just realized that. I can't describe people. Don't flatter yourself. It's not because people are marvelously indescribable. Pffft, no. I don't really know why, though. I can describe sunsets and skies and fears and regrets. I can describe the most mundane moments and the strongest emotions... but not people. I can't even write an appreciation post about my friends.

    Oh well. I'll go on with my uninteresting life now. I don't care if it's nearing 12 am and it's All Souls Day and I'm scaring myself quite a bit.