I missed you a lot. You used to feel like home.

pepero, train rides and chryss |121812

• I had a date with Chryss last Tuesday and we did the most random things on impulse. I was an hour late (yes shame on me) but Chryss was all cool with it (because she's k00l like dat). 
• She talked me into trying wintermelon milk tea and really, it tasted weird at first, but it kind of grew on me as I sipped to the last drop. 
• Then, we bought lunch from Mcdonald's and pigged out in the food court which was darn crowded but we managed to grab ourselves some seats. Yes, we literally had to "grab" ourselves some seats and it took three attempts to finally snag a place. 
•  We walked around and I tagged along as she went Christmas shopping. She did try to help me pick out presents for my parents, but indecisiveness struck and got the best of me, and I ended up not buying anything. Boohoo. 
• We "raided" (k00l kidz yo) the supermarket next. I got myself a pack of Pepero while she bought sweets to stock up for the break.
• We hopped on the kiddie train, which was running on slow-mo, munched on Pepero and took snapshots of ourselves as passers-by stared because why the heck would two fifteen-year-olds be riding a train around the mall? 
• Finally, we ended up at the food court where I had loud laughing fits and outbursts of buffalo songs as we shot embarassing vlogs (which may or may not be posted)  using our phones. I swear, the people behind us were shooting us weird looks. 
• It was a lovely day and I'm looking forward to more adventures like this one. More crazy vlogs, too. 

"And if you find love, could you save me some?" 

Stuck in a rut, I am. 

• It's 1:43 am and I should be writing an essay for this summer seminar, but I can feel my emotions swelling with anxiety because they might not give me consideration for missing several days of the seminar because of a scheduled recital outside the country. It's like choosing between the world and college, a choice in which I would choose the world without hesitation, but seeing as, the world will only last for twenty days, while college will define my whole future....well. Heck, I might not even get in. 
• I will have a date with Chryss tomorrow and I will forget all my troubles. 
• You utter those sweet words - is this your way of compensating for the time lost?- but you leave anyway. And that's enough proof.  
• I have gone for so long, feeling alone and such. I had no need for fitting in. I was okay with being a misfit. I was okay with sticking out like a sore thumb. I was okay with being different, but on some days, I just needed to belong somewhere. 
• Small talk and laughter is hard to pull off on days like these.
• "I need you" shouldn't fool lovers. Nor should they fool anyone. Needing someone is not the same as wanting someone; needing someone is not the same as caring; needing someone does not equal love of any kind, and needing alone is the worst thing you can do to anyone. 
• One of my friends is undergoing an open knee surgery tomorrow morning and I hope it goes well. Send out a little prayer for her, please? :)
• The Connecticut Massacre is one of the unthinkable tragedies that only shows how this world is no refuge anymore. Maybe heaven needed little angels up there but I wish the world could've taken them in a way that did not bring so much pain to the struggling souls left here to earthly existence. Rest in peace, little ones. Rest in peace, heroes. You will be remembered. 

• And so, we might not have class tomorrow because Super Typhoon Pablo is predicted to hit the Philippines and everyone's so happy that they'd have a day off from pop quizzes and droning class discussions and terror teachers and Chemistry, and I guess I am a bit relieved as well, but I would seriously give up a day off from school just to make sure everyone's safe because Signal #3 has been raised in over 7 areas and we all know how bad typhoons can get in the Philippines. 
• And I know this probably makes me seem like such a goody-two-shoes, but I don't really care. In all honesty, I am getting a bit scared and it's weird because I never used to be fazed over storm signals. 
• And if it's not too much to ask, it'd only take a few minutes to send a little prayer to everyone who needs it. 
• And yes, I know I haven't been blogging lately. Just paid a visit to see how things are going over here. 
• I had an okay day. 
• I went to school with puffy eyes today and everyone was asking if I had any sleep or if anything was wrong. I even got my Math teacher to worry. Thanks for caring. It means a lot. 
• See you again, love. 

I've met someone that makes me feel seasick. 

"I need you so much closer" 

Thanks for taking advantage. Thanks for remembering me only when you need something. Thanks for not understanding. Thanks for walking all over me. Thanks for wasting my time. Thanks for your insensitivity.
Thanks for looking down on me. Thanks for taking away the little self- belief I had. Thanks for not listening. Thanks for telling me that the world has real problems and that mine can't compare. Thanks for the sympathy that lasted for five seconds. Thanks for thinking that I was strong enough to be thrown around. Thanks for turning me into the bitter freak that I am right now.

Thanks. Now that you've received my heartfelt gratitude, it's your turn. It's your turn to freaking shut up, because you don't understand. You never listened. You don't know how close I am to a meltdown. Shut up.

Don't call me a hypocrite. I'm starting to hate myself as much as I'm starting to hate you. All of you.

I just got home, and it's raining, and I'm alone and no one's here to nag. Lovely.

I like watching people.
And I like to laugh.
And sometimes, I worry if all that I'm doing is merely existing.
But then, I realize that I'm perfectly happy with that.
Well, maybe not perfectly. 
But it works out.
Most of the time. 

Well, I had a great night with wonderful people. Thanks. 

Happy birthdaaaay, Squishy :)