Surely, I can't be this sad on Christmas Eve. Surely, this cannot be possible? Oh but it is! It is happening. I am sad. I am frustrated.
Everyone's asleep. This vicinity of the whole house is quiet. I have a whole night in front of me to waste. The rain is steadily pounding on the roof. In normal circumstances, this would have been perfect. But tonight does not fall under 'normal circumstances.' For once, I want noise. I want loud, boisterous, happy chatter to fill my surroundings. I want firecrackers to go off in the streets outside. I want jolly songs about Christmas to fill my head, loud enough that I won't be able to hear myself think.
Is it so wrong to wish for a Merry Christmas? My whole life, I've been wanting to spend Christmas Eve with my cousins, not really wanting to go home ,and my whole life, when that happened, I would be scolded and reprimanded and more often than not, I'd end up crying. Red puffy eyes and all. I'd stopped that a few years ago, knowing that nothing will ever really change. It'd still be a lone family of three, trying to make Christmas as cheerful as they can. Looking back, there were forced overeager smiles and laughter. Of course, I'm saying that as a pessimist, who is, at the moment, feeling very dejected. But after all that, those things I've written about trying, why is it that this year, we just stopped? We didn't even countdown to 12. We didn't even keep up a cheerful chatty conversation at Noche Buena. All my dad could mutter about was the Sendong victims, how all they had were sardines for Noche Buena tonight, how they were all homeless. And yes, okay, I care but the news on the television, on the radio,on the newspapers, everywhere....they fill people up with those dreary tragedies every single day. Aren't you tired? Is that all you can say? Gosh, we didn't even have gifts for each other. The food....well, my parents had no time to prepare for that. Then, worst thing is, my dad gets mad at me for staying up late. Gosh, really? Didn't we use to stay up till 3 am? Didn't we?
Maybe these rants are foolish, childish, selfish.....call it whatever, call it chicken salad but is it so damn wrong to wish for happiness? Is it?
See what expectations do to you? Hmm, I guess I'll just sit here, still in a dress, feeling out of it, completely dejected. Maybe cry a little while I'm at it.
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