This is a long blog post.

• Maybe I should be happy for myself, 'cause at least now I have a reason to stay away. Temporarily, anyway. Mostly, I’m just sad, mad and ashamed of myself.

• I don’t want to be blamed for something I didn’t really do. I don’t care about reputation and all those shit. I don’t care about keeping up an image and I’m gradually learning to stay unaffected by what people think of me. But when something you didn’t even do is dropped upon your shoulders, it’s different.  I hate to break the trust people have for me. It’s a terrible feeling that washes over me and forms a lump in my throat and just makes me want to vomit all over. 

• Also, I feel so stupid. And that stupid English policy that should exempt pissed people cause pissed people aren’t really aware of what they’re saying especially pissed insane people….

 …..like me. Now I have no ID and I have to go up and claim it tomorrow morning and damn, this is such a hassle.

• I feel alone in that noisy classroom with everyone’s loud voices overwhelming me and breaking through my thoughts. Alone. Friendless. I don’t know.

• I’m almost tempted to just intentionally disappear into thin air. I hope you get the context of that statement ‘cause I will never properly address the real sense of that.  Not almost. I am tempted and if it weren’t for that stubborn realist inside my head, screaming….well…… 

And really, I have no guts to do that. They say that you should never run away from your problems or else you’re considered a coward. Does this make me brave now?  

• I’m tired of the drama. Maybe I shouldn’t even be affected about that. Maybe it doesn’t even concern me. But I’m just really really tired. Tired of hearing all the shouting. Tired of feeling like I’m on my tiptoes, on the tip of the iceberg and suddenly, that tip might break off and I’ll fall into the deep icy waters and try to swim but drown instead.

• It’s not about the elf.

• Why do these things happen to me?

• I’ve been praying so hard. So hard. For things to go right for me. Even for just one mere day. One mere happy day, not having anything to worry about. But look. Look where it brought me. Look at my life and the conflicts I have with myself that nobody knows about. Look at my dysfunctional thoughts and retarded pessimism.  

Maybe if I cry all of these out, I’ll feel numb and when I do, I’ll get the delusion that everything will be alright tomorrow and come to the point when I just repeat the saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” That always fuels me up. A bit, anyway.