• You trigger all the anger, the hatred, the pain in my heart to stir. I know, I know. It's my fault. I expected too much. As messed up as we all are, at some point, we all need to realize that you can never always be the special one. 
• Every time you mention that, I feel that tinge of regret pulling at my heartstrings, but I know I can never give in to that. At the same time, I know it'll never be what I'd expect to be. Never, now that everything's fixed and everything's fine and everyone's happy.
• Wasn't that what I wanted, though? Seeing people happy even though I'm breaking inside, even though I have to stretch myself out? Isn't that what I wanted to see? 
• Yes, yes. Be happy. Do what you want. Have a good life. Smile. Life is too short to waste on pessimism. I'll be here. I'll listen. 
• Pessimism. Does saying that make me a hypocrite? I am a pessimist, after all, but I guess I'm saying that out of experience. How I'm in too deep and can never completely ward off negativity from my life. How I can never successfully delude myself and cling on to reality like a lifeline. And maybe it is. A lifeline, I mean. I'm scared of losing myself. I'm scared of losing my grip. I'm scared of drowning in fantasies and false hopes and temporary euphoria, just like I have done a million times before. 
• I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of death and it's power to strip you away of all the people you hold close. I'm not scared of dying but I wonder what the unknown has in store for me after the life I've lived. Death doesn't appeal to me so much but I;m fascinated. I've never lost anyone to death before. Anyone who matters to me. I hope I never do. I hope I can spare them from death with my own life. One thing I've vowed never to give in to, though, is suicide. No matter how messed up my life may be. No matter how many times I break myself into pieces, I'll never take away my life, because just as I am scared to lose, I don't want to induce the same fear, the same excruciating pain to those people who care for me. I know I feel unloved and alone, all the time, but life reminds me sometimes, that I'm not. That it's my own dysfunctional self imposing those emotions and there are always people, several and a few, who also hold me and my memories close. Sometimes, I'm just too blind to see it. 
• I'm back, blogspot. I'm back with my rants. I've got no elephants, though. Never had any.