So...

A sick and twisted sense of familiarity clung to me when I first stepped on the school grounds today. It almost felt like summer never happened at all, but our little stroll in the sun going there was lovely. I don't think I mind at all. Less than a week from now, everyone will be counting down the days. Ten more months, and we're out of here. I don't have the slightest idea where to the dump all my aching attachments to the people I have loved, the places I have lingered in. Ten more months, I'm determined to move out, but I think I'm going to do more damage than good. You're holding it together for me, but I can feel you crumbling. If I escape your clutches, what will be left for me to come home to after a year?

Today, I realized how sad this house is. Empty, as it constantly is. I find my own ghost lurking in the living room on lonely nights; I find splinters of my tired bones scattered on the couch; I find tear stains on the bathroom floor; I find lingering frequencies of troubled conversations; I find the curses, the yelling floating in the air. I find the pretenses faltering, but it's okay. It's okay to think that maybe home is a faraway place or a person I haven't quite known just yet.

It's okay. A lot of things can be okay if you let them be. It's okay to just sit there staring off into space, waiting, waiting, waiting, on some nights. It's okay to not want to talk today. It's okay to let the phone ring. It's okay to make a choice that hurts. It's okay to hide. It's okay to crumble. It's okay to feel strange. It's okay to to feel happy for yourself even when everything else is falling apart. It's okay to wear a fake smile if you're not up to it. It's okay to not worry. It's okay to think about something else. It's okay to stop listening when you're tired. It's okay to overhear. It's okay to feel nothing. It's okay.

Today was okay. I bumped into several lovely people  and I'm glad I did. I've been missing people lately and I know not every single one of them misses me back, but see, the universe isn't always cruel. It finds ways for me on some days.