Time left us and so did all the lovers we had and the lovers we might have had and the lovers we only had  when we closed our eyes and turned ourselves inside out to drown in our haunted minds.

I don't know how to cope with death. Or denial. I don't know how to feel. I really don't.

I don't want to go to the wake, or see the casket, but I should. I should because I know I'll never believe it if I don't. 

I am not ready for a cryfest. I am not. I am not. I am not. 

They picked out a casket yesterday. I didn't know there are people who are passionate about building caskets....or selling them. That's cool. In a morbid sense. 

It's weird. I have this strong urge to do schoolwork now that I'm still emotionally stable. This + all the things I worry about.

Sigh 

I lost my grandfather today. I don't know exactly when he died. I just know they called a priest yesterday and I just kept on believing he wouldn't leave.

I had a long day. Between urges to break down and crumble, I was looking forward to going home. I didn't know I was going home to this.

I'm in denial. I don't believe it. I won't believe it unless I see him. But I don't want to see him. Not in a coffin. Not all dressed up in white. Not in the midst of mourning people. Not even in my dreams saying goodbye. I don't want to believe it. 

I've stopped crying. I want to cry it all out tonight because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll burst out crying at random intervals during the day. I don't want to cry in front of anyone. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to do anything. I don't know how to feel. I don't know. I don't. 

I don't know how to deal with loss. When will it sink in? I have never felt close to him. We've never had a meaningful conversation. I have never looked him in the eye. I never visited him in the hospital. I didn't want to see the struggle. He's gone. They say it's for the best. He's at rest now. But he's gone. I don't know how to deal with the fact that I'll never see him ever again once they close the casket and throw him down there 6 feet below the living. 

I don't know how my cousins took the news.I don't know how my uncles and aunts took the news. I don't know how my mom took the news. I don't know how my grandmother took the news. Who will she go home to, now?  I don't want to see them with bloodshot eyes, trying to be "strong". 

I don't. I don't. I don't. 

Sleep.

Sleep is not a cure. It is an escape. The safest one I can find.

I want to quit life for a day. Just for a day.

This has been a Monday.

That awkward moment when you schedule something for forty-seven heads and only four show up. That awkward moment when it's not even awkward. Just a sad and shameful reminder of my ineffective leadership skills, if I have any, which I don't, by the way.

And I just came back from piano lessons. Frustrated, as always.

I am so drained. Darn it.