{12:16 am on a monday}

• I've been out the whole day with my little family of three. Sunday mornings will always and traditionally be about waking up at 6 am, going to church and breakfast. From there, it either gets better, or plummets downhill. 
• Why is it May? And why is it June next month? Wasn't it just April days ago? Why is life passing me by? 
• Last few weeks of art workshop. Painting on canvas tomorrow. I should be excited but I'm not. I've figured it out. I want to do art at my own free will. I want to do it according to my own way of doing it. I don't want a uniformed or universal structure to follow.  I feel quite trapped following the proper drawing proportions of the human body, or having a schedule to religiously attend to, but I am more than happy to be learning. I'm happy to have all these illustrations to follow and look up to as I cannot rely on my own imagination to come up with the right things at the right time.  I'm happy to see my own hands filling up the pages of a sketch book that used to be blank, but I'm afraid that's what makes up most of it. Maybe that's what I signed up for. Maybe all I wanted was to bring a used-up sketch book and a painted canvas home at the end of the summer in order to feel accomplished and useful. Or maybe I still feel quite alone in the midst of all those people and kids who talk too much. Maybe I still feel awkward when someone looks over my shoulder to watch. Maybe I still dread the stiff necks I get from hunching over for too long. But I am happy, somehow, to some extent. 
• I'm sorry. I just poured myself out. Did that make sense?
• I don't know why but you are lovely. 
• I hope I dream the sweet dreams tonight, but just in case, could you dream the sweetest ones you could dream for me? 
• I miss a lot of things that most  probably wouldn't miss. 
• I'm not feeling so well. I should just sleep this off.
• Why do I slack off so much?
• Ugh, it's Monday.